I have a friend who went through cancer treatment recently. She's thankfully in remission now, but she told me that she lost about 2/3 of her friends during the process because they simply weren't there for her when she needed them.
When she first told me that, I thought it sounded harsh - cancer treatment isn't fun, and some people aren't strong enough to be there for someone else through that process. Taking a step back isn't the worst thing. What I didn't realize is that when you are going through something truly challenging like cancer treatment, some people start to resent you for your struggles, and those friendships become toxic.
After stepping into the not-so-fun world of infertility, I understand a bit better how she feels. Also, to take it a step further, I'm so grateful for those friends who have been there for me through everything. The ones who listen to me as I sob, the ones who hear and understand my fears but can give me hope, the ones who tell me kindly and firmly to step away from Dr. Google, who ask how I'm doing and really want to hear the truth.
I don't need tons of friends - just one friend is enough. I'm lucky to have several friends, near and far, who have supported me through this. Everyone deals with grief and fear and emotional struggles differently - for me, I lean on others. I talk things through. Things I keep in my own head are much scarier and drag me down much further than things I share with others. Those who have taken some of the emotional weight off my shoulders have been invaluable to me, and I will forever be grateful.
However, as my friend who battled cancer pointed out, some people are not strong enough to be leaned on. They like being your friend when you're happy, or when they need you for something, but when you're the one in need of support, you're just not any fun anymore and they don't want to be around. I have experienced this recently, with two people who I have been close with pushing me away.
It's hard not to feel resentful, to be angry that two women who I have helped through numerous challenges in their lives have chosen to abandon me when I need friends the most. And it's not simply distancing themselves - these friends have chosen to lash out, talk about me behind my back as if I'm being self-involved, to blow up at me about unrelated things because they can't handle dealing directly with why they are really upset. Anyone who knows me is aware that the one thing I cannot handle is passive aggressive behavior - I have always lived by the motto that if you don't tell me what your problem is, it isn't my job to figure it out. I always try to be direct, honest, and fair with any issues that I have with someone, and expect the same of those closest to me.
With these two ladies, I answered sobbing phone calls, helped them through numerous issues, including an emotionally abusive relationship, a divorce, job hunts, losing a job, applying to schools, moving, buying a house, long distance relationships, a spouse's deployment, and family issues. Over the time we've been friends, I've been largely happy - I've been the one supporting them, as I didn't need support. When I finally need supporting, suddenly I'm an emotional drain and self-involved.
Part of me wants to lash out at them, tell them what I really think (which, I guess, is what this post is about - did I mention that I like to talk out issues rather than bottling them in?) I am angry, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed by this abandonment and betrayal. Two people I thought were my friends not only choose not to help me through this, but have chosen to think of my emotional neediness as selfish and draining.
I am choosing, instead of hating these two, to feel bad for them. To feel sad that they can't know what it is to be a true friend, to be there for someone through the bad times as well as the good. To feel sad that they won't get me as a friend anymore, because I'm a really good friend to have. I stick with people through the good AND bad.
And I am choosing to focus on how lucky I am to have the true friends that I do have, the ones who answer my sobbing phone calls and who listen to my fears and help me deal with this challenge, day by day.
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