It's my birthday and I can cry if I want to!

Sunday was my birthday.  Or so I'm told.  I didn't feel much like celebrating.

I felt pretty terrible about it, too, because my husband and parents went above and beyond to try to make me happy, and none of it really helped clear the fog that's been following me around.  I spent a good bit of the day crying and just moping around.  I took a two hour nap with my dog, which was pretty much the highlight of my day.

I got my period yesterday.  I knew it was coming.  Hello there, 28th year of life and 17th cycle of trying and failing to conceive.  Well, I guess it's technically my 29th year of life, as I have now completed 28 years (since your first year of life is before your first birthday).  Whatever.

My friend who is pregnant had her online video baby shower that day.  I sent her a present, but I knew the week before my bithday that it was just going to be too much for me.  She thankfully understood when I told her that I couldn't handle it.  I had already been trying nearly 10 months when she first started trying.  She's due in January.  I'm happy for her, truly I am, but sometimes it's hard to see underneath how sad I am for myself.  And seeing her pregnancy develop just further emphasizes how much I'm missing out on.

Or seeing our nephew, who is 4 months old.  I could have one of those by now, if we had been luckier.  Heck, I could have an 8 month old at this point if we had gotten lucky on our honeymoon.

I'm just carrying around this gray cloud.  And I know it's dragging me down, but it's just sitting on my shoulders and I can't shake it.  Sometimes it hurts less to ignore it, because when I try to shake it, all I can do is cry.  I know this isn't healthy, and I do want to see a therapist about it.  But because we're moving in 2 weeks, it makes the most sense to get an appointment once we get down to our new home so I can have some continuity of care

Speaking of continuity of care, I called the base hospital to see if their OB/GYN department does IUIs like I had heard some do.  Apparently it doesn't.  Which means I'd get referred to a civilian Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) anyway.  So I figured out which RE's my insurance covers (for whatever little it will cover at all) and the closest is an hour away.  I called to make an appointment... first appointment is March 17th.  WHAT?!!

My cycles are clockwork, and March 17th would likely CD 1-6 (giving myself some natural wiggle room if I ovulate a day early or late in my next few cycles).  Which means they would still likely require some initial testing before starting treatment, meaning we wouldn't get to do any IUI or meds until the following cycle - which would mean my ovulation that will likely be the beginning of May!  So here I am in mid-December being told the earliest I can probably get any help is in MAY!

I'm devastated.  I'm sobbing.  I tried to be a big girl and not cry on the phone with the receptionist, but I couldn't help it.  I sniffled as I gave her my phone number to put me on the cancellation list.  I even had to repeat a number as I struggled (and failed) to keep my voice from cracking.  I'm struggling to see the screen through my tears right now.

I'm so frustrated and upset and disappointed and angry.  I'm just so so so so sad.

Mind Games

I'm currenting in another 2WW.  For those who aren't hip with the lingo, that means I've ovulated and waiting two weeks before I can take a pregnancy test (aka "two week wait").

Well, I suppose I could take a pregnancy test any time I wanted.  It just would look exactly the same as it's looked every single test for the last 16 cycles - NOT PREGNANT.  It feels like it says this:

But if I want to keep some hope that the cycle may have worked, that I may finally see those second beautiful line that says I'm finally pregnant, I have to wait until at least 10-12 DPO (or Days Past Ovulation).

That's not to say I haven't tested before that.  Like 8 DPO.  Or maybe 6 DPO once when I was desperately and hopeful.  Or maybe twice... at like 5 DPO...

Anyway...

Each cycle, I get my hopes up.  I've tracked symptoms that occur during the 2WW in the hope that I'll be able to look back and say, "Oh yes, that twinge MUST have been implantation cramping!"

This cycle, I realized that every month since my HSG in August, I've had ovulation cramping.  The day after my first positive OPK, I have been feeling strong cramps on one side or the other, presumably from my ovary that is releasing that cycle's egg.  It never happened before my HSG, so now I'm wondering what that means.  While my HSG showed my tubes are clear, perhaps there was some cobwebs that were cleared out in the process?  Or maybe the vitamins I've been taking have made me ovulate stronger, bigger eggs?

I also noticed that approximately 4-5 DPO, I feel cramping similar to my CD 1 cramps (when I first start my period).  Every month, I hope it's implantation cramping.  Every month, I'm disappointed.

So when I noticed it was a pattern, I worried it might mean endometriosis (and really, it might.  I can't rule that out).  That little fear grew exponentially in my head into major endometriosis issues that would result in implantation issues, and that we'd waste tens of thousands on IVF and never get pregnant.  Quite a little stroll for my imagination to take me on, huh?

I did manage to find some research that progesterone can cause cramps, and the cramping does come on with severely sore boobs, which is normal progesterone symptoms (during the 2WW, the body is supposed to experience a drop in estrogen and rise in progesterone if the hormones and reproductive system are functioning correctly).  So now I'm pretty sure that it's just normal progesterone issues.

But it got me thinking... what crazy mind games do I play with myself over all this?  Well before I had a need to worry about infertility, I was worried.  Was it truly premonition that something really wasn't working, or was I that girl who I now roll my eyes at - someone who has been trying exactly three months and going:

I'm pretty sure I uttered those exact words.  I know I have recently.

So I play mind games with myself.  If I don't have any alcohol this month, I'll get pregnant.  And then I don't, and so I drink a whole bottle of wine (true story).  If we have sex exactly every other day, and then twice after I get a positive OPK, it'll definitely work.  Except it didn't.  And if my husband takes all these pills, it'll improve his sperm and we'll definitely got pregnant.  We haven't yet, and except for increasing his libido, we don't know if any of it has any impact on his sperm quality.

I worry.  A lot.  I worry that we'll invest tens of thousands of dollars in infertility treatments, suffer months of disappointment and physical discomfort, and have nothing to show for it except an empty bank account.

I get superstitious.  I get super hopeful, even when I know there's no good reason to be hopeful.  I think, "It has to happen eventually!" and then in the very next second, I think, "It will NEVER ever happen!"  I go from complete conviction that it will happen soon, or that I'll at least have enough patience to do a few rounds of medical treatment to finally get pregnant.  Then I'm convinced I can't handle this much longer, that I'll need a long break of not trying to focus on other things if a few treatment cycles don't work.

It's one crazy rollercoaster, and that on its own is exhausting!