Our Path to Parenthood: May 2014

These were written earlier and held for posting, as I needed to speak personally to my Mom and several family members who read this blog before putting it out to the internet.

BFP warning to all my infertility readers. You may want to skip this entire post if that's not what you'd like to read, because it's LOTS of gushing from a newly pregnant lady!

May 5th:

I just don't believe it. I was so ready for this not to work. I was prepared, and even at peace with taking a few months as a break and moving to IVF. I was talking about IVF with “when” rather than “if”.

I guess this is the infertile person's version of “it will happen when you least expect it”? I wasn't expecting this to work.

I have to call and cancel my IVF consultation. Wow.

We did injects and IUI this cycle. I really just expected it not to work. I know I had as much chance as anyone, and everything looked good – at least 2 mature follicles and possibly a few more, thick lining, 39 million motile sperm, perfect timing... but I just felt like it wasn't going to work. I was prepared for IVF. It was our shot from half court at the buzzer, fully expecting to have to go into overtime... but we made it! I feel like we're champions!!!

My boobs were really sore starting a few days after the IUI. And then they got less and less sore, and with that went my hopes. I just felt like if I were pregnant, the sore boobs wouldn't go away. I guess that's a fallacy.

And then 6 DPO, I usually get cramping and I didn't. But I brushed it off, assuming I missed the cramping because I was so busy doing other things.

I did a really good job of keeping busy this cycle. I didn't test until 13 DPO, at 9pm, so practically 14 DPO. A big part of that was that I was out of town from 9 DPO at 4am until 13 DPO at 9pm, and I purposely didn't bring any pee sticks with me. It was a relief to not be double guessing everything, and honestly I'm glad that I didn't have to gradually watch the line darken. I know I'd been looking forward to that, hoping to catch it as early as possible, but after last cycle's disappointment with disappearing lines, this was much easier on my soul to simply believe it was a failure. I had low expectations. It was a shock!

I had one heck of a rough day. I was in a doctor's office this morning, and on television was The Today Show with its week of Mothers' Day coverage. Today they had young women announcing to their mothers that they were pregnant. So here I was, stuck in a waiting room, not able to change the channel or leave the room, and I just started crying softly. I've wanted so badly to have the same announcement, and was feeling so bitter that most of these girls probably hadn't tried very long. It won't be a huge surprise to my mother because she's known how hard we've been trying, and she's been a huge emotional support for me through this process. So she knows our chances and timing. I still hope to catch her off guard by telling her on Mothers' Day – it's going to involve lying to her that I drank that wine tonight. I get to tell her good news now, that just blows my mind.

Then after the doctor's office, I had to fly home. It seemed like babies and bellies were following me everywhere. I couldn't get away from them! Women with babies boarding the plane behind me, seated across the aisle from a young Mom with a newborn going to meet his grandparents for the first time. My heart was breaking all day.

When I got to the place to pick up my car, they informed me that the oil change I had requested had gone terribly wrong. Apparently the last place to do my oil change (Jiffy Lube, never again) put the filter on cockeyed so it was impossible to pry off – they'd have to take it to a mechanic to bust the filter so they can put a new one on. At 7:30pm, it wasn't going to happen tonight. And 2 hours from my house, with a dog waiting for me at home, I wasn't going to stick around. They loaned me a crappy mini-van and promised to bring me my car tomorrow. Fine, whatever.

Then I got pulled over for a busted brake light. Freaking great! I don't have to pay the fine, the car owner will do that, but there's nothing quite as instantly stressful as hearing the siren and seeing the lights flashing in your rear view mirror. I become a 16 year old again instantly and feel pure panic race through me that somehow I'm going to end up in jail. It's stupid to be so anxious about it, but being pulled over is one of my all time least favorite things ever.

So I decided I needed wine. I knew I was going to pee on a stick when I got home, because there's no way I'd be able to sleep knowing the sticks were only a few feet away, and I had a strong feeling it was going to be negative. Because, you know, my boobs don't hurt anymore. And I had period-like cramping on 11 DPO and 12 DPO, which while unusual for me, I chalked up to a looming period.

I stopped at Publix to buy a bottle of wine. I figured I'd pee on the stick, and when it was negative, I'd pour myself a nice big glass and get tipsy off three sips since I haven't drank anything since January.

I get home, drag my suitcase in, greet my dog, and go straight to the bathroom to pee. I hadn't peed since I got on my connecting flight, so since 5:30pm. I held it the whole drive home. After dipping the stick, I kept the pee in the cup rather than pour it out right away, with the thought that in the unlikely situation it's positive, I might want to dip more sticks, so I left the cup of pee on the counter and placed the stick across the top of the cup to dry. I went in the room and played with my dog for 4 minutes. I meant to wait 5 minutes, but I just wanted my wine already, so I went into the bathroom (corkscrew in hand), and was greeted by an incredibly strong second line.

“Holy crap. Holy crap. No way!”

I look at it, trying to believe it's real. It's SUPER dark, like nearly as dark as the control line. I start crying, and immediately call my husband who is out of town for work.

He knew I was testing and expected a negative, and picked up the phone cautiously, “Hello?”

“I'm pregnant,” I blubbered unceremoniously.

“What?”

“I'm PREGNANT!”

I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I cried, he was happy, I was happy and kept saying, “Oh my god” and “I can't believe it”. He said, “Congratulations!” which feels weird, since I didn't win an award, and besides, it's his win, too. I told him we're due in mid-January, and I could hear him smiling.

“That's great, love. I love you lots.”

He asked me to text him a picture of the test. I think he thought I was imagining it, but he responded, “I can see it!!!! <3” He was headed to bed, he needed sleep – he's got a long day tomorrow and had a long drive today. We'll celebrate when he gets home this weekend. I guess that bottle of wine is now all his!

I then whipped out the expensive digital test that I made my husband buy last cycle when I thought the positive test would get darker. I didn't use it last cycle, though, not wanting to see “Not Pregnant” if there wasn't enough hCG yet so I waited and waited and then the line disappeared and my period came, so I never used it.

This cycle is totally different! The digital promptly popped up “Pregnant” as well, though there was little doubt after the strong Wondfo test. I just wanted to see it. I've waited so long to see it! And I did. And it was glorious.

For today, I am pregnant. I'm so happy, so shocked, so overwhelmed! It's truly surreal. This isn't a squinter like last month – this is no joke a real strong positive pregnancy test. Two of them!

So now I get to wonder... is it supposed to be that dark at 13 DPO? I thought it was supposed to be lighter...

I am betting twins. Calling it now. And that would just be karma, biting me in the butt. But you know what? I'm so okay with that at this point. It would be really, really hard for the first few months, but I have great family and friends who would help, and a husband who is far more supportive than I ever could have imagined. And once they're crawling and walking, they'll each have a friend for life, a constant playmate. I can do this, regardless of one baby or two.

Just please, please, please not three. Oh please, not three!

Regardless, for today, I am pregnant. For real.

HOLY CRAP!

May 6th:

Day 1

Today is the first day that I have woken up knowing that I am pregnant. It's totally surreal!

I announced on Trouble Trying to Get Pregnant on TheBump, and the support brought me to tears. I will miss those ladies and hope to see many of them finally get pregnant, also.

I intro'd on Pregnant After Infertility, and the women are super welcoming and nice. I asked a question about taking a vacation early in pregnancy, and got very helpful responses.

I also intro'd on the January 2015 board, and got some sweet welcomes from fellow ladies. I'm hoping that board stays drama-free, but I'm fully prepared to have PAIF as my “home board” since I want to limit the drama and stress of the confrontational atmospheres of some of the boards.

I told a few friends today. It still feels surreal, like I'm making up stories and it isn't for real. I can't possibly really be pregnant. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, my period to show up anyway and go, “Ha! Fooled you!” It couldn't possibly finally have happened!

I went to Walmart to buy some sunscreen for our vacation, and to pick up some pregnancy-friendly foods in case my stomach gets queasy at any point and to make sure I eat regular healthy meals. I bought Mothers' Day cards for my Mom and Grandmas – I know it's still really early, but I want to share the news. I can't help it! My Mom's card says on the front, “Who's the best person on earth?” and inside it says, “Grandma!” and some other stuff about Happy Mothers' Day. But I thought it was a really cute way of telling her that she's got a new title! And I bought a “present” of two books – one about “Grandma and Me” and one about “Grandpa and Me” - they're both cute paperback children's books, and I had them mailed to my parents.

When I told my husband last night, he was shocked and happy. It seems to be settling in with him today, and he went to dinner at the house of a couple who we are good friends with from his training program last year. She's the friend who got pregnant their 2^nd month of trying, and delivered in January. I remember distinctly a year ago when she came over for dinner – we had just met a few weeks before and just started becoming friends, and our husbands were gone for the week on a training exercise. And she brought wine, but told me she couldn't drink it because she had gotten a positive pregnancy test. Because she was new to all of that information, she wasn't sure it was real. I told her that a positive is real, and while there's still a chance of miscarriage, she was definitely pregnant. Sure enough, she went on to a healthy, (almost) uneventful pregnancy and has a very sweet baby girl now.

I remember when she told me she got a positive test, it wrenched my heart. We had been trying for so long already, and I was just starting to suspect something wasn't right. I was thrilled for her, but sad for us. I wondered if it would ever happen for me.

Here I am, nearly one year later exactly (give or take a few weeks), and I'm pregnant!!! Her baby will be just about a year older than our baby, if all goes well.

So when my husband got to their house, he convinced my friend to Facetime me so I could see the baby and be part of their conversation. He was holding their baby, which normally gives me pangs of longing and sadness, but today just made me giddy. He's going to be SUCH a great Daddy!

And I asked, “Do you want to tell them?” He responded, “No, you tell them.” I replied, “No, go ahead, you tell them!”

My friend shouted off camera (since she was holding it pointed at my husband holding her baby), “Tell me what? ONE OF YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW!” She clearly suspected!

My husband grinned and tripped over his tongue, “Well, she took a pregnancy test a few days ago, and, well, it kind of looks like she's pregnant.”

Squeals and screams went up as he continued verbally stumbling, but the words “pregnancy” had been entered into conversation and that's all it took - she knew. My friend who was holding the camera twisted it around to “look” at me with a huge grin of happiness. She's over the moon excited for us, and it felt SO good!

May 7th:

Day Two

I drove up to my doctor's office today for a blood draw to confirm pregnancy. I've been so anxious, I'm not quite sure why. Based on strong results on the pregnancy tests I've taken so far, I knew the beta test was definitely going to say I was pregnant. I'm a little nervous it won't rise, but mainly I'm just anxious by the big life change. Holy cow, it's really happening finally!

I slept terribly again last night. All I could smell was my husband's drool-soaked pillow. Looks like I might need to buy new pillows! It didn't bother me before, but I've already noticed my sense of smell is stronger. Thankfully, scents aren't making me feel sick yet.

As I walked into my doctor's office this morning, I couldn't help but grin at the receptionist when she asked, “How are you?”

Trying to be relaxed, but failing miserably, I said, “Great!”

With a knowing look, she said, “That's a pretty big smile. It must be a good day.”

I kept grinning and said, “Yes, I think so. I hope so!”

The blood draw was quick and I was back out the door. I went and picked up my car – I figured since I wanted an excuse to go get my beta anyway, I would just bring that stupid borrowed car back to the parking facility that was holding my car hostage. It's about 20 minutes away from my doctor's office.

I got my car, then drove to Target (there isn't one near my house) and bought an adorable onesie that says, “My Daddy is Cooler Than Your Daddy”. It's really cute, and I thought it would make my husband smile when he comes home tomorrow night! He obviously already knows, but I just wanted to make it special. There really aren't any gender neutral baby clothing, but this onesie is white with teal and yellow and blue writing – it leans towards “boy” but with a cute yellow or teal ruffle sweater would be more “girl”.

I then drove to meet two friends (who I met through this blog!) for lunch to celebrate. It was great spending time together, and surreal that I'm pregnant. I really, truly, deeply hope they both find success. I know how hard it can feel to see your friends get pregnant before you, and I hate that it creates a new dynamic in our still new friendship. I hope we can still support each other's journeys, and I hope so very hard that their journeys result in pregnancies soon!

Then I went to Whole Foods to buy some healthy carbohydrates for me, as I'm already finding the idea of eating unappealing. I don't think it's the pregnancy yet, I think it's just nerves. Whenever I've gotten anxious, I can't really eat or sleep and I have stomach issues, which is exactly what's going on now. I'm so beyond excited! And anxious, and overwhelmed, and (of course) overanalyzing EVERYTHING like I always do! Anyway, some bland but nutritious food would be a good thing for me right now.

Right in the middle of Whole Foods, my phone rang. It was my nurse. My beta was 256!!!! I am definitely pregnant, and that's a great number for 15 dpo! It's slightly on the high side for one baby, and on the low side for two babies. So I'm super hopeful that it's one baby, but at least glad that we're not likely dealing with triplets or more. I'm letting myself get really excited!!!

I then drove home. I spoke with my parents en route and had to lie – I hate lying to them! Especially with my Mom, I kept catching myself before I said something that would give it away. I want to tell them so badly, but I know my husband wants to be part of telling them, and he won't be home until tomorrow. Plus I'd love to tell my parents when they're together, and my Mom's out of town until Friday, I think. So we're planning on telling them via Facetime on Friday or Saturday.

Similarly, I'm dying to tell my brother. And similarly, my husband wants to be on that call.

With such strong initial beta test, it's feeling more real. But still, totally surreal. It honestly feels like a dream. I completely believe it logically, but it just hasn't sunk in and become accepted reality. I find myself realizing that I'm pregnant many, many times per day. I forget, and then I remember.

We've told some close friends. It's super exciting to share our news, and a bit scary that it's premature. I know the standard “rule” is to wait until at least 10 weeks, preferably after 12 weeks, to make sure you're past the risk of miscarriage. But I'm choosing to be blissfully naïve in believing that we won't miscarry. We don't have a high chance of miscarriage based on our age and medical history, and with such a strong beta it's clear something's working so far, so I'll simply deal with the worst if it happens. I'm an extrovert anyway, so I celebrate publicly and grieve publicly. I'm terrible at keeping my own secrets!

So now my biggest worry is twins. And honestly, I'm no longer petrified by that. What will be, will be. If we have twins, I will be a very difficult first few months, but I think once they're crawling, it will be nice for them each to have a permanent and constant playmate. The upfront challenges would pay off with seeing my children have a bond that non-twins can't understand, and to have my children entertain each other as they grow up. My biggest twin-related fear is high risk pregnancy. I don't want to miscarry, and I don't want to deliver prematurely. Granted, I don't think there's anyone who wants those things, and it can happen even with just one baby, but twins intensify that risk and thus fear.

Oh, and I'm also petrified of morning sickness. I know, that's silly. But I get motion sick sometimes, and it causes panic attacks. When I'm sick for real, I'm fine (uncomfortable, but no panic) but the feeling of motion sickness causes major anxiety. I'm hopeful I avoid morning sickness, but I doubt it. I'm hopeful some medications will make it more bearable, if the doctor will let me take any. I'm hopeful morning sickness doesn't ruin my vacation or my friend's wedding that I'm a bridesmaid in next month.

I go back for another beta on Friday. Another 2 hour drive each way, but this one is blissful and happy. Part of me wants to ask if I can do the blood draws near home, and I might do that for next Wednesday's since it's the day before our vacation, but I want to see my nurse to thank her in person. She's been a tremendous support system for me through this, and never made me feel like a nuisance (and I was definitely a nuisance at times!). I also want her to be the one to call me with the results. And I want the same lab to do it so there's no discrepancies that would make me unnecessarily worried. So 4 more hours of driving it will be, and I will do it happily!

Then, after our vacation, we'll do an ultrasound. Holy cow!!! I can't believe I'm going to see our baby (or babies?) this month. My husband swears he'll get time off work to come along. I have a feeling he'll attend as many ultrasounds as he can. He was very nonchalant about it all, professing that he always knew it would happen eventually, but he's definitely super excited to become parents and go through this pregnancy. He's already being protective, reminding me to drive extra carefully. Sweet, loving man!

May 9th:

Day.... uh, I'm already losing track of how many days since I've found out! Week 4, Day 3.

I told my brother last night! He was so excited and started crying, and kept shouting, “I'm going to be an uncle!” I swore him to secrecy as his fiancee wasn't home at the time, and I wanted to tell her myself. He apparently kept his secret, as I told her this morning (and she was likewise thrilled), but in retrospect I think she realized he was indeed acting weird.

We're telling my parents tonight!!!! I sort of already told my Dad. Okay, I definitely already told my Dad. He cornered me (verbally, since it was over the phone!). He told me that my Mom suspected it was a “big present” that I had mailed, since I wanted to Facetime. And he told me that he didn't want to let her get her hopes up if it isn't, so is it? And I said no, it's not. And he kept pushing that my Mom suspects, and I gave up. I told him he should try to make her not think that.

Dad: “Why? Because she'll get her expectations up and get hurt, or because you want to surprise her?”

Me: “Just try to convince her it's not a big surprise, okay?”

Dad: “Is it a surprise?”

Me: “Maybe.”

Dad: “What kind of surprise?”

At this point I started crying and laughing. It was probably a pretty awkward reaction.

Me: “A good surprise.”

Dad: “Are you saying....?”

Me: “Yes!”

Dad: “So... it worked?”

Me: “Yes, I'm pregnant!”

My Daddy started crying, I could hear him sniffling and wiping his eyes.

Dad: “Wow, that's great. That's really, really great. Congratulations, sweetie, I'm so happy for you guys.”

Then he wanted to know EVERYTHING! How I found out, how I told my husband, what tests they've done or are going to do, and when I told him about my beta, he wanted to know what my beta was today. My Dad is not usually that chatty or interested, but he clearly is ridiculously excited and wants to know everything.

I had driven up to my doctor's office, and was on my way home when I spoke to him, so I didn't know my results yet, so I told him that I'd tell him with my Mom tonight. He insisted I call back and tell him, so I did.

And today's beta's were great! 612. That's a doubling time of 38 hours! The goal is 45 hours or less, with anything under 70 hours considered acceptable. So we've got at least one healthy growing bean in there!

My Dad promised he would buy (and hide) a bottle of champagne to open with my Mom once we tell them the news tonight. I'm not sure how well he's going to be able to hide it, but as I told him, it's not a huge deal – it's HAPPY news! I'm so excited for her to finally know so I can talk to my parents about it all! We're super close, and this is going to be nearly as exciting for them as for me.

My husband and I met up for lunch, and we then called his Dad and told him. He also sniffled a bit, but the tough old veteran that he is, held it together very stoically. He's thrilled, though! I'm sure once it settles in a bit, he'll chat more excitedly about it.

We plan to tell everyone else (my husband's mother and sisters, my grandparents) on Sunday.

This is so surreal, and so completely amazing!

As for symptoms, I'm sleepy in the afternoons. I have a bit of an anxious tummy in the morning, which I'm starting to think is early morning sickness and not just nerves because it's followed a very consistent pattern over the last few days, and it is getting worse (whereas you'd think nerves would be getting better). I wake up and just feel mildly hung over, with zero appetite and stomach issues (no puking or nausea yet, thankfully, but a bit queasy). By lunch, I feel mostly better, and by dinner all better. And then it strikes again the next day!

I'm betting twins. I'm saying it again. My husband doesn't think so, my nurse even thinks (or at least says) one baby, but that's my guess.

Also, I keep referring to our bean as “she”, so I'm also guessing we're going to have a girl. Just a super early, ridiculously random prediction that has a 50% chance of being right!

(And a few hours later....)

I told my Mom! She obviously suspected, but she started crying, of course. She was so happy! It was as wonderful as I always hoped. I told her that she could call her best friend and tell her (though I was saving the announcements to grandparents for myself), and the glee she was feeling was exploding in grins and fist pumps and spontaneous happy dances and squeals.

This is wonderful. So, so, so very wonderful! It's starting to feel real. My husband keeps coming up behind me and gently resting a hand on my lower belly. It melts my heart!

Our Path to Parenthood

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Moving on

Mothers Day for a Mom-to-Be

Friday, May 9, 2014

FINALLY!!!!!

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Waiting Patiently

Post History