Well, that was a rollercoaster!
After my last post, we were under the impression that our IUI was cancelled for this cycle due to weather issues, so we went ahead and had sex early afternoon to give it an old fashioned try. Why not?
And then we got a phone call from the nurse on call at nearly 6pm. They had made the decision to open the clinic at regular time the next day, and the doctor had said that he would fit us in first thing - my husband was supposed to be there at 8am to give his sample, and I was expected there an hour later for the procedure.
Uh.... okay..... um.... but... we just.... there's going to be about a 20 hour abstinence period, not the 48 hours they request as a minimum. Is it... um... okay! Yes, we will be there!
My conflicted emotions were all over the place all over again. But excitement! And hope! I'll take it! If that money only buys me a little hope for a little while, then it's worth it.
So with still frosty weather, we got on the road at 6am for the drive, which is usually around 1 hour 40 minutes. Because my husband had to return straight to work after his part was complete, so we were caravaning. I could have, of course, slept in an extra hour (and boy, since I've given up caffeine, that would have been nice) but I thought with the weather as a consideration, I'd just go at the same time for moral support.
An hour into our drive, my husband calls me. He was following a navigation app on his phone, and it was telling him that the bridge that is our most direct route was closed due to ice. The detour would take a half hour.
We got there only a few minutes late (we drive fast, what can I say?) and they got my husband in right away. It took him a little longer than usual, most likely because it had been such a short time of abstinence. It also could have partly been the pressure of delivering a sample that counted, a sample that would be used for the IUI to hopefully make us the baby we've wanted for a very long time now. He warned me that there wasn't much of a sample.
I didn't go anywhere after my husband left to go back to work, I just sat in the waiting room. It wasn't until 9:40am that they called me in since my husband had left about an hour earlier. In the meantime, every time a patient or nurse came out the door, I jolted in anticipation. I was a bundle of nerves, just excited and anxious to get this party started, and to see how my husband's count worked out.
Sure enough, his sample was smaller than previous samples. Thankfully, his great count and motility continued from his previous sperm analysis, so even the small volume was plenty for an IUI. It was all a very fast blur - I had already been told that they had moved all of Wednesday's appointments to Thursday because of the weather-related closing, so I'm sure the staff was in a rush to see everyone. The nurse ushered me to a room, quickly brought in the sample and had me confirm our names were on it as she held it. I twisted my head hard sideways to see the names. I saw my name, and I saw my husband's handwritten initials, so I confirmed. We had 8 million motile swimmers from my husband's sample.
She told me to get undressed from the waist down, sit on the table and lay the paper sheet over my lap. She left the room for a minute for me to do so, and promptly came back with the doctor. He chatted with me as he inserted the speculum to keep nerves down, describing what he was doing but also talking about the weather and the bridges that were closed, presumably as a distraction. I felt the quick pinch of the catheter before he told me that he had inserted it, and that he was injecting the sperm. It felt warm and full. It was like I suddenly had a full bladder, but it wasn't my bladder and I didn't have to pee, obviously. And then it was done, and he removed the catheter and speculum quickly. It was probably less than 10 seconds that were uncomfortable, and no moment was truly painful. Just... odd feeling.
And just as quickly, the doctor and nurse were gone. Before he left, he told me, "No do's, and no don'ts. Just relax these next two weeks, eat healthy. You've got about a 10-15% chance of pregnancy from this cycle." I was told to lay flat for 10 minutes and relax, and the nurse set an egg timer for me. Altogether, they were probably in the room less than 5 minutes.
When the timer went off, I got dressed and left, paying my $625 on the way out. The drive home took a long time with the bridge still closed. I left around 10:15am and did not get home until after 1pm.
So... I now have had an IUI! Unmedicated, so my chances aren't fabulous, but it's something. And I'm feeling optimistic for the first time in a long time.
Today I'm feeling slightly crampy and still a little "full". It's more of a dull ache than cramps.
They gave me paperwork that said I should test on February 13th. I giggled - there's no way I have that kind of patience. I'll probably start testing around 8 dpiui (days past IUI) every other day. So once on 8 dpiui, 10 dpiui, 12 dpiui, and 14 dpiui, at which point my period should start.
The nurse has already ordered my meds for next cycle. That's sobering enough to keep my hopes down, but it's odd - I'm simultaneously hopeful for this cycle, and yet not imagining it ending in a pregnancy. I expect that I will have more treatment cycles (and statistically, I should be prepared for that). As hopeful as I am, I will still be very surprised if I end up pregnant from this. I don't expect it at all, though I do dare to hope! And hope is good. Hope feels good for my soul. It's good to be optimistic again.
My husband pressed his hand on my lower belly tonight when he leaned over to kiss me. And I asked him not to press too hard there (over cautious or superstitious, I suppose). He smiled and lightly rubbed his hand over my belly and said, "Soon I will be rubbing your belly all the time." We had a sweet moment, we kissed and just held onto each other. Tears tugged at the corners of my eyes, and my heart swelled.
It feels so good to hope again.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Pardon This Interruption
We have a weather cancellation. I'm pretty frustrated, but I'm trying to just accept it as bad luck and move on.
Due to a historic snow storm in the south, our clinic is closed today. My OPK was supposed to turn positive tomorrow or Friday, but of course, it went positive today. Which is cool and all, except my clinic is pushing patients whose appointments were cancelled to tomorrow. The earliest they could get us in for an IUI is tomorrow afternoon.
And since my OPK is already positive, I don't think that it's worth $600 out of pocket and make my husband take 4 hours off from work and spend the gas money to drive 2 cars 2 hours there and 2 hours back wen I may very likely have ovulated already by the time we get there. With an unmedicated IUI, good timing is the only way to get any advantage over the old fashioned way, and it looks impossible for us to get in for an IUI tomorrow morning.
I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm relieved? I've been debating internally whether I wanted to proceed with unmedicated IUIs given our new diagnosis of Unexplained Infertility - when we were Male Factor Infertility, I saw an advantage. And now that my husband's numbers are good, I'm just not sure if it's worth $600 for only a 10% chance each cycle. I guess this was the deciding factor. No unmedicated IUI this cycle.
We could just push back our plans - start next cycle with an unmedicated IUI, then the medicated TI cycle, and then the medicated IUIs. Except when I'm supposed to ovulate next cycle, my father-in-law and his best friend are supposed to visit that week. It makes it rather difficult to steal my husband for a 4 hour trip to go do the IUI, and even harder for me to get the time for monitoring appointments. So we had planned to use that cycle as our medicated TI cycle before starting medicated IUIs (because of insurance coverage, we want to start with a TI cycle). So now... do we do a medicated TI cycle, then an unmedicated IUI? That seems pointless.
Add in that I just got a new job. Yesterday. I start Monday. So I'm going to have to fit these monitoring appointments in before work hours, which will make for some very long days. I was going to have to do that anyway, but I was holding out hope for this cycle. That pretty much died this morning with that phone call (okay, I'm still optimistic, despite my attempt to moderate optimism so I don't get disappointed - we've had pretty good timing so far, especially if we make use of this snow day!)
I'm bummed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I'm nervous. I'm relaxed. I'm SO CONFUSED!
Due to a historic snow storm in the south, our clinic is closed today. My OPK was supposed to turn positive tomorrow or Friday, but of course, it went positive today. Which is cool and all, except my clinic is pushing patients whose appointments were cancelled to tomorrow. The earliest they could get us in for an IUI is tomorrow afternoon.
And since my OPK is already positive, I don't think that it's worth $600 out of pocket and make my husband take 4 hours off from work and spend the gas money to drive 2 cars 2 hours there and 2 hours back wen I may very likely have ovulated already by the time we get there. With an unmedicated IUI, good timing is the only way to get any advantage over the old fashioned way, and it looks impossible for us to get in for an IUI tomorrow morning.
I'm frustrated. I'm disappointed. I'm relieved? I've been debating internally whether I wanted to proceed with unmedicated IUIs given our new diagnosis of Unexplained Infertility - when we were Male Factor Infertility, I saw an advantage. And now that my husband's numbers are good, I'm just not sure if it's worth $600 for only a 10% chance each cycle. I guess this was the deciding factor. No unmedicated IUI this cycle.
We could just push back our plans - start next cycle with an unmedicated IUI, then the medicated TI cycle, and then the medicated IUIs. Except when I'm supposed to ovulate next cycle, my father-in-law and his best friend are supposed to visit that week. It makes it rather difficult to steal my husband for a 4 hour trip to go do the IUI, and even harder for me to get the time for monitoring appointments. So we had planned to use that cycle as our medicated TI cycle before starting medicated IUIs (because of insurance coverage, we want to start with a TI cycle). So now... do we do a medicated TI cycle, then an unmedicated IUI? That seems pointless.
Add in that I just got a new job. Yesterday. I start Monday. So I'm going to have to fit these monitoring appointments in before work hours, which will make for some very long days. I was going to have to do that anyway, but I was holding out hope for this cycle. That pretty much died this morning with that phone call (okay, I'm still optimistic, despite my attempt to moderate optimism so I don't get disappointed - we've had pretty good timing so far, especially if we make use of this snow day!)
I'm bummed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad. I'm nervous. I'm relaxed. I'm SO CONFUSED!
Friday, January 24, 2014
What Will Be Will Be
I've found myself getting more and more anxious recently (not that the therapist I went to helped, as I'm sure you picked up on from my last post!). I do have an appointment with another therapist, but I've been trying meditation, yoga, jacuzzi bath (don't worry, it is only warm, not hot!).
Yesterday, a good friend texted me a picture of her hours-old newborn. I knew to expect it - she had a scheduled c-section since her baby was breech. Seeing the adorable photo still stung a bit, but I cried for a minute and then texted back how beautiful her little girl is, and how happy I am for her. And it's all true, and I mean it.
Her Dad then sent out an email in the evening with a play-by-play of the whole day. And I didn't cry, but it hurt really badly. Hearing about the happiness of a couple welcoming their newborn, and wishing it had happened to us just made my heart physially ache. I mentioned how I felt to my husband, and he didn't understand. He doesn't feel envy or those pangs of longing. Or if he does, he doesn't vocalize it. To him, being happy for them is one thing, and I don't even know if he's fully frustrated it hasn't happened to us yet. He just knows we're on a different path, and doesn't feel the urge to compare. He believes it will be us someday, and that we'll do what we have to do to get there. He doesn't worry about how unfair it is that we're in this position to need medical help, he doesn't focus on regret that it hasn't happened the old fashioned way. He just looks forward, and believes it will happen one day. And that will be good enough.
I realized I'm focusing a lot on the past, regretting "what could have been". If we had gotten pregnant on our honeymoon, we'd have a 7-8 month old right now. This friend got pregnant after two months of trying, at which point my husband and I had been trying nearly a year already. And now her baby is here, and she's a Mom, and I'm still infertile.
Measuring up against someone else whose pregnancy I've watched with envy (note: NOT jealousy - I am thrilled for her and she deserves it, and she was always incredibly sensitive to my struggles, but it doesn't mean I don't wish I had what she has, too) is a recipe for pain and anguish. It's a visual yardstick of how far other people's lives have come while I've been treading water, waiting for this next step that has not yet come and I worry will never come.
I can't have a baby right now. I can't have a 7 month old. I can't be pregnant right now. Because I'm not, and it hasn't happened yet, and I can't change the past. So I realize I need to stop focusing on "what could have been" and start focusing more positively on "what can be".
We will try medical treatment. We have a good chance. We could get pregnant the first try, or the second, or the third. All of those have hope of success. If one thing doesn't work, we can try another. We can keep trying until we get pregnant or adopt, so this journey WILL end with a baby somehow. I cannot know how long it will take, and I cannot let that ruin my time between now and then (however long that will be).
Last night, as I was trying to calm myself down from being upset that I'm not pregnant yet, I wrote a little mantra. It came out kind of like a poem, but it had a very calming effect on me to read it over and over, letting the words resonate and find the truth in them. It helped to visualize the poem - the river flowing, the rocks passing by, and enjoy the scenery of the shores as we pass by them.
Because it helped me, I'm going to share it here in case it helps someone else:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As the earth moves, so does time.
We are not stuck in this moment anymore than a drop of water is stuck in a river.
We flow through time, and time flows through us.
And together, we move forward.
There is no going back.
Water flows downstream.
Never the same drop passing the same stone twice.
Focus not on the last stone, but rather the next.
And if you pass that next stone, focus on the one after that.
For you will keep moving forward.
Weep not over the stones left behind.
Envy not the drops that have already settled on a rock.
You will find your rock, that is not your rock.
There are plenty of rocks, and you will have your own.
Just keep allowing the current to bring you along down the stream.
Enjoy the journey.
It is a beautiful river and a lovely day.
Do not miss the experience of the journey by aching over past stones.
You have passed them - look forward!
One day, you shall find your rock.
You will have your moment.
Just keep looking downstream and enjoying the journey.
It is a lovely journey.
Yesterday, a good friend texted me a picture of her hours-old newborn. I knew to expect it - she had a scheduled c-section since her baby was breech. Seeing the adorable photo still stung a bit, but I cried for a minute and then texted back how beautiful her little girl is, and how happy I am for her. And it's all true, and I mean it.
Her Dad then sent out an email in the evening with a play-by-play of the whole day. And I didn't cry, but it hurt really badly. Hearing about the happiness of a couple welcoming their newborn, and wishing it had happened to us just made my heart physially ache. I mentioned how I felt to my husband, and he didn't understand. He doesn't feel envy or those pangs of longing. Or if he does, he doesn't vocalize it. To him, being happy for them is one thing, and I don't even know if he's fully frustrated it hasn't happened to us yet. He just knows we're on a different path, and doesn't feel the urge to compare. He believes it will be us someday, and that we'll do what we have to do to get there. He doesn't worry about how unfair it is that we're in this position to need medical help, he doesn't focus on regret that it hasn't happened the old fashioned way. He just looks forward, and believes it will happen one day. And that will be good enough.
I realized I'm focusing a lot on the past, regretting "what could have been". If we had gotten pregnant on our honeymoon, we'd have a 7-8 month old right now. This friend got pregnant after two months of trying, at which point my husband and I had been trying nearly a year already. And now her baby is here, and she's a Mom, and I'm still infertile.
Measuring up against someone else whose pregnancy I've watched with envy (note: NOT jealousy - I am thrilled for her and she deserves it, and she was always incredibly sensitive to my struggles, but it doesn't mean I don't wish I had what she has, too) is a recipe for pain and anguish. It's a visual yardstick of how far other people's lives have come while I've been treading water, waiting for this next step that has not yet come and I worry will never come.
I can't have a baby right now. I can't have a 7 month old. I can't be pregnant right now. Because I'm not, and it hasn't happened yet, and I can't change the past. So I realize I need to stop focusing on "what could have been" and start focusing more positively on "what can be".
We will try medical treatment. We have a good chance. We could get pregnant the first try, or the second, or the third. All of those have hope of success. If one thing doesn't work, we can try another. We can keep trying until we get pregnant or adopt, so this journey WILL end with a baby somehow. I cannot know how long it will take, and I cannot let that ruin my time between now and then (however long that will be).
Last night, as I was trying to calm myself down from being upset that I'm not pregnant yet, I wrote a little mantra. It came out kind of like a poem, but it had a very calming effect on me to read it over and over, letting the words resonate and find the truth in them. It helped to visualize the poem - the river flowing, the rocks passing by, and enjoy the scenery of the shores as we pass by them.
Because it helped me, I'm going to share it here in case it helps someone else:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As the earth moves, so does time.
We are not stuck in this moment anymore than a drop of water is stuck in a river.
We flow through time, and time flows through us.
And together, we move forward.
There is no going back.
Water flows downstream.
Never the same drop passing the same stone twice.
Focus not on the last stone, but rather the next.
And if you pass that next stone, focus on the one after that.
For you will keep moving forward.
Weep not over the stones left behind.
Envy not the drops that have already settled on a rock.
You will find your rock, that is not your rock.
There are plenty of rocks, and you will have your own.
Just keep allowing the current to bring you along down the stream.
Enjoy the journey.
It is a beautiful river and a lovely day.
Do not miss the experience of the journey by aching over past stones.
You have passed them - look forward!
One day, you shall find your rock.
You will have your moment.
Just keep looking downstream and enjoying the journey.
It is a lovely journey.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Bad Doctor - Lessons in Infertility Therapy
With treatments looming (probably about two weeks until my first IUI!), I have decided to see a therapist to try to reign in some of these overwhelming emotions and fears regarding infertility. I've become rather anxious in the last few months, and December especially was a very hard month for me. I do believe I'm battling some depression, and definitely some anxiety. In general, I just wanted to talk to a therapist to talk out all my problems, bring them to light, and hope they wouldn't seem to scary afterwards.
I have been to therapy in the past to deal with anxiety, and I've had some really good therapists. I like to say good talk therapy is like cleaning out an infected wound. Looking at the wound from the outside, you can't always tell something's wrong - often it just looks like a scab. But it festers and the infection grows, and soon you have to rip off the scab and clean out the infection inside. It hurts, sometimes a lot worse than it did before you pulled off that scab, but then it starts to get better. And like cleaning any wound, you will have to go back again and rip off the new scab and clean out the infection again. Over and over, until finally the infection is gone (or at least under control) and all you are left with is a small scar that will eventually fade until you barely notice it.
So I want to clean out my wounded soul, drag out those fears into the light of day, talk through all the stressors that are keeping me up at night and making me cry. So I called my insurance and then made an appointment with a covered therapist.
Let me start by saying she was a sweet old lady. Likely in her 70's, she was grandmotherly and clearly cared. I'm not sure what her credentials are, but I know she likes cognitive therapy and hypnotherapy, both I'm on board with as good treatments. However, that's about where my positive statements come to an end.
My session started by mentioning we were dealing with infertility and that I'm new in town and don't have any friends yet, and that I can't job hunt because of the time commitment for fertility treatments, and that I'm not sure what I'd want to do anyway. This led into a conversation about my career path, which has been rocky to say the least (ever since college, I've jumped from one job I hated into another one, with large periods of unemployment due to my husband's career in the military).
She made some comment about how she's seen lots of women put their men through school and raise kids, and then the husband leaves for a younger woman. That I should make sure to keep a job in case he leaves me. Um.... okay? Thanks for the tip? Call me naive, but if there's one thing I'm not stressed about, it's my husband leaving me. That man is loyal to the bone. But thanks for adding to my anxiety?
Then we talk about infertility. She asks me what tests we've done, and I gloss over it and state that they've done a variety of tests and at this point, we're unexplained infertility. She says, "Oh, well then as soon as you stop stressing about it, you'll get pregnant."
Ugh, I've heard that one before. So I open my mouth with my mind set that I'd educated her, "Actually, unexplained infertility doesn't mean that nothing's wrong. It means that the initial tests weren't able to determine a cause. It could be hostile cervical mucus, antibodies to his sperm, endometriosis, implantation issues, fertilization issues, egg quality issues..."
And she cuts me off, "You're very pessimistic, aren't you?"
Me: "No, not usually. I just research the heck out of things, and I like to know what I'm dealing with and what my chances are."
Therapist: "None of those things are wrong with you."
Me, with mouth agape: "You can't possibly know that."
Therapist: "Yes, I do. What did your testing show?"
Me: "Everything seems to be working normally with me, and my husband's numbers are good... they were mediocre this summer, which could explain some of it, but they're fine now..."
Therapist: "See? Nothing's wrong, it's in your head. You're causing this by being stressed about it all. If your husband's numbers are good, are you worried about him blaming you for the infertility?"
Me: "No, he's been very understanding about the whole thing. We're in this together."
Therapist: "I know some men worry about their manliness when they can't get their wife pregnant. I have one client whose husband left her when she couldn't conceive, he went out and got another woman pregnant to prove he could."
Me: "I'm not at all worried that will be me. It may sound naive, but that is just simply not my husband."
Therapist: "You never know, I see women all the time who never thought their husband could cheat and then he did. You don't know how he'll respond to something like this. By you being negative and not getting pregnant, aren't you worried about pushing him away? I've seen plenty of women who have given up careers, moved around for their husband's military career, raised children, and then their husbands left them."
Me: "That's not me. That's not my husband. It may sound naive, but I know my husband is loyal. He's got a very strong sense of what's moral and right, and nothing enfuriates him more than someone hitting on someone who is married. And he's incredibly supportive of the whole infertility treatment. He's the first one to say he's okay with any method to becoming parents, including adoption."
Therapist: "Well, you mentioned that you'd lived in China - there's lots of little Chinese girls who need someone to love them!"
Me: "We've discussed domestic adoption. We'd want to do foster-to-adopt, we think. But really, that's not even on my radar at the moment. I'm trying to get pregnant, we've been trying for going on two years, and I'm frustrated and upset and worried I'll never have a biological child."
Therapist: "You're being negative again! You don't mind if I have my prayer group pray for you, do you? I won't use your name, but I just think you could use help.
Me: "Sure, I appreciate the kind thoughts."
Therapist: "I think some prayer and positive thinking will get you pregnant."
Me: "That's not how this works, and you're really offending me. I appreciate kind thoughts and wishes, but I've already told you that I'm an atheist so I don't believe there's some higher power making this decision as to whether or not I get pregnant. And as for why we're not getting pregnant, I am sure there is a medical explantion, which iss why we have a fertility doctor now - I like him and I trust him and I hope he's going to be able to overcome whatever our problem is. I trust him to figure out my fertility issue, and I'm here for the emotional issues."
Therapist (clearly not getting the hint): "How old are you?"
Me: "I'm 27... I mean, 28. I kind of ignored my birthday this year since it was pretty hard emotionally on me."
Therapist: "You're still young. Women are having babies into their 40's now. You have time."
Me: "Medicine is coming very far, and the older women get the more likely they'll have difficulty. But since I am having difficulty, that's all pretty meaningless regardless of my age. Something is preventing me from getting pregnant, and the infertility is causing me anxiety."
Therapist: "Your anxiety is causing your infertility. If you stop stressing out about it, you'll get pregnant."
Me: "That's not how it works."
Therapist: "You're really a pessimist, aren't you? The mind and body are tied more than you'd think. I know a couple who couldn't conceive for years, adopted a baby, and wham! Got pregnant."
Me: "With all due respect, you're being very insensitive. You're belitting my anxieties caused by infertility, and you're belittling the intense emotional process to get to the point of adoption as merely a means to bypass infertility. It's its own way of bringing a child into your family, and we have discussed it as a possibility down the road, but right now I am grieving not getting pregnant the natural way without a doctor's help. Before I get to that point, I'd also have to grieve the idea of having a biological child."
Therapist: "Here you are being negative again. Have you always been this negative? Are you religious?"
Me: "No, I'm actually an atheist. And I'm being realistic."
Therapist: "Certain religions have an aspect of guilt. Were you raised atheist?"
Me: "No, I was raised Episcopalian. My husband was raised Catholic."
Therapist: "Those are two religions full of guilt! Whether you chose to believe the rest or not, the guilt and negativity seeped into you."
Me: "I'm not being negative because of religion. I'm not being negative. I'm worried, and I'm being realistic. We're investing $600 this month in a 90% chance of failure. I'm nervous and I'm scared and that's normal, and I'm here to work through it."
Therapist: "Again with the negativity! Why do you think you have a 90% chance of failure? You have to say that you're spending $600 to get pregnant this month!"
Me: "Because the doctor told me that we have a 10% chance of success with this protocol."
Therapist: "Doctors don't know everything. If you believe it will happen, it will happen."
Me: "Hope hurts. If I hope too hard, I get really disappointed. If we have a 10% chance of success, I am 10% hopeful and 90% prepared for disappointment."
Therapist: "If you don't believe, it won't happen."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Needless to say, I won't be returning to that woman! The hardest part was that she was so earnest, she was trying so hard to help me. She asked at the end if I'd come back to see her again, she wants to try hypnotherapy. But I'll be cancelling the appointment, and I knew it before I even made it. I only made it to avoid an even more awkward confrontation. I just can't believe how that all went down!
I have an appointment on Monday with another therapist who I called right after I left that appointment.
After initial introduction, I said, "I am having some infertility issues and it's brought on some anxiety. I'd like to talk to a therapist about it."
The new therapist replied, "Well, I can help with the anxiety, but I definitely can't help with the infertility."
"Well, that's good," I giggled, "since my last therapist told me if I stopped stressing, I'd solve the infertility!"
The therapist giggled: "Wow, that's quite a trick! Does this therapist charge double as a fertility doctor as well as a therapist?"
I think I like her already!!!!
I have been to therapy in the past to deal with anxiety, and I've had some really good therapists. I like to say good talk therapy is like cleaning out an infected wound. Looking at the wound from the outside, you can't always tell something's wrong - often it just looks like a scab. But it festers and the infection grows, and soon you have to rip off the scab and clean out the infection inside. It hurts, sometimes a lot worse than it did before you pulled off that scab, but then it starts to get better. And like cleaning any wound, you will have to go back again and rip off the new scab and clean out the infection again. Over and over, until finally the infection is gone (or at least under control) and all you are left with is a small scar that will eventually fade until you barely notice it.
So I want to clean out my wounded soul, drag out those fears into the light of day, talk through all the stressors that are keeping me up at night and making me cry. So I called my insurance and then made an appointment with a covered therapist.
Let me start by saying she was a sweet old lady. Likely in her 70's, she was grandmotherly and clearly cared. I'm not sure what her credentials are, but I know she likes cognitive therapy and hypnotherapy, both I'm on board with as good treatments. However, that's about where my positive statements come to an end.
My session started by mentioning we were dealing with infertility and that I'm new in town and don't have any friends yet, and that I can't job hunt because of the time commitment for fertility treatments, and that I'm not sure what I'd want to do anyway. This led into a conversation about my career path, which has been rocky to say the least (ever since college, I've jumped from one job I hated into another one, with large periods of unemployment due to my husband's career in the military).
She made some comment about how she's seen lots of women put their men through school and raise kids, and then the husband leaves for a younger woman. That I should make sure to keep a job in case he leaves me. Um.... okay? Thanks for the tip? Call me naive, but if there's one thing I'm not stressed about, it's my husband leaving me. That man is loyal to the bone. But thanks for adding to my anxiety?
Then we talk about infertility. She asks me what tests we've done, and I gloss over it and state that they've done a variety of tests and at this point, we're unexplained infertility. She says, "Oh, well then as soon as you stop stressing about it, you'll get pregnant."
Ugh, I've heard that one before. So I open my mouth with my mind set that I'd educated her, "Actually, unexplained infertility doesn't mean that nothing's wrong. It means that the initial tests weren't able to determine a cause. It could be hostile cervical mucus, antibodies to his sperm, endometriosis, implantation issues, fertilization issues, egg quality issues..."
And she cuts me off, "You're very pessimistic, aren't you?"
Me: "No, not usually. I just research the heck out of things, and I like to know what I'm dealing with and what my chances are."
Therapist: "None of those things are wrong with you."
Me, with mouth agape: "You can't possibly know that."
Therapist: "Yes, I do. What did your testing show?"
Me: "Everything seems to be working normally with me, and my husband's numbers are good... they were mediocre this summer, which could explain some of it, but they're fine now..."
Therapist: "See? Nothing's wrong, it's in your head. You're causing this by being stressed about it all. If your husband's numbers are good, are you worried about him blaming you for the infertility?"
Me: "No, he's been very understanding about the whole thing. We're in this together."
Therapist: "I know some men worry about their manliness when they can't get their wife pregnant. I have one client whose husband left her when she couldn't conceive, he went out and got another woman pregnant to prove he could."
Me: "I'm not at all worried that will be me. It may sound naive, but that is just simply not my husband."
Therapist: "You never know, I see women all the time who never thought their husband could cheat and then he did. You don't know how he'll respond to something like this. By you being negative and not getting pregnant, aren't you worried about pushing him away? I've seen plenty of women who have given up careers, moved around for their husband's military career, raised children, and then their husbands left them."
Me: "That's not me. That's not my husband. It may sound naive, but I know my husband is loyal. He's got a very strong sense of what's moral and right, and nothing enfuriates him more than someone hitting on someone who is married. And he's incredibly supportive of the whole infertility treatment. He's the first one to say he's okay with any method to becoming parents, including adoption."
Therapist: "Well, you mentioned that you'd lived in China - there's lots of little Chinese girls who need someone to love them!"
Me: "We've discussed domestic adoption. We'd want to do foster-to-adopt, we think. But really, that's not even on my radar at the moment. I'm trying to get pregnant, we've been trying for going on two years, and I'm frustrated and upset and worried I'll never have a biological child."
Therapist: "You're being negative again! You don't mind if I have my prayer group pray for you, do you? I won't use your name, but I just think you could use help.
Me: "Sure, I appreciate the kind thoughts."
Therapist: "I think some prayer and positive thinking will get you pregnant."
Me: "That's not how this works, and you're really offending me. I appreciate kind thoughts and wishes, but I've already told you that I'm an atheist so I don't believe there's some higher power making this decision as to whether or not I get pregnant. And as for why we're not getting pregnant, I am sure there is a medical explantion, which iss why we have a fertility doctor now - I like him and I trust him and I hope he's going to be able to overcome whatever our problem is. I trust him to figure out my fertility issue, and I'm here for the emotional issues."
Therapist (clearly not getting the hint): "How old are you?"
Me: "I'm 27... I mean, 28. I kind of ignored my birthday this year since it was pretty hard emotionally on me."
Therapist: "You're still young. Women are having babies into their 40's now. You have time."
Me: "Medicine is coming very far, and the older women get the more likely they'll have difficulty. But since I am having difficulty, that's all pretty meaningless regardless of my age. Something is preventing me from getting pregnant, and the infertility is causing me anxiety."
Therapist: "Your anxiety is causing your infertility. If you stop stressing out about it, you'll get pregnant."
Me: "That's not how it works."
Therapist: "You're really a pessimist, aren't you? The mind and body are tied more than you'd think. I know a couple who couldn't conceive for years, adopted a baby, and wham! Got pregnant."
Me: "With all due respect, you're being very insensitive. You're belitting my anxieties caused by infertility, and you're belittling the intense emotional process to get to the point of adoption as merely a means to bypass infertility. It's its own way of bringing a child into your family, and we have discussed it as a possibility down the road, but right now I am grieving not getting pregnant the natural way without a doctor's help. Before I get to that point, I'd also have to grieve the idea of having a biological child."
Therapist: "Here you are being negative again. Have you always been this negative? Are you religious?"
Me: "No, I'm actually an atheist. And I'm being realistic."
Therapist: "Certain religions have an aspect of guilt. Were you raised atheist?"
Me: "No, I was raised Episcopalian. My husband was raised Catholic."
Therapist: "Those are two religions full of guilt! Whether you chose to believe the rest or not, the guilt and negativity seeped into you."
Me: "I'm not being negative because of religion. I'm not being negative. I'm worried, and I'm being realistic. We're investing $600 this month in a 90% chance of failure. I'm nervous and I'm scared and that's normal, and I'm here to work through it."
Therapist: "Again with the negativity! Why do you think you have a 90% chance of failure? You have to say that you're spending $600 to get pregnant this month!"
Me: "Because the doctor told me that we have a 10% chance of success with this protocol."
Therapist: "Doctors don't know everything. If you believe it will happen, it will happen."
Me: "Hope hurts. If I hope too hard, I get really disappointed. If we have a 10% chance of success, I am 10% hopeful and 90% prepared for disappointment."
Therapist: "If you don't believe, it won't happen."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Needless to say, I won't be returning to that woman! The hardest part was that she was so earnest, she was trying so hard to help me. She asked at the end if I'd come back to see her again, she wants to try hypnotherapy. But I'll be cancelling the appointment, and I knew it before I even made it. I only made it to avoid an even more awkward confrontation. I just can't believe how that all went down!
I have an appointment on Monday with another therapist who I called right after I left that appointment.
After initial introduction, I said, "I am having some infertility issues and it's brought on some anxiety. I'd like to talk to a therapist about it."
The new therapist replied, "Well, I can help with the anxiety, but I definitely can't help with the infertility."
"Well, that's good," I giggled, "since my last therapist told me if I stopped stressing, I'd solve the infertility!"
The therapist giggled: "Wow, that's quite a trick! Does this therapist charge double as a fertility doctor as well as a therapist?"
I think I like her already!!!!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
End of an Era
Today is 11 DPO and I got a stark negative on a Wondfo pregnancy test this morning. Which means we're probably out this cycle. Again. Really, not a surprise. I didn't even feel sad. I just felt resigned.
As I told my husband, it's not like I had any hope for this cycle. It's not like I have any hope for any natural cycle. Which means it's definitely time to move on.
I have to grieve the loss of the dream. The dream that we'll get a baby the way most people do. That it would happen accidentally-on-purpose, we'd get to surprise everyone with the news. That I'd have a candlelit dinner for my husband when he got home from work, and after I poured him wine, I'd put the bottle down and reach under the table for some Gingerale and say, "I guess I'm drinking this for the next 9 months!" And he'd look shocked, and we'd both cry happy tears, and be so excited and so scared.
I mean, I guess I could still surprise him like that as I'll probably know before him, but it sort of ruins it now that he knows exactly which days I can test, how likely our chances are, and how much money we've invested in the cycle. Also, a call from the doctor giving me my beta numbers isn't as cute. Oh, and also, popping progesterone smurf pills up my hoo-haa does not make for fun morning sex during the 2WW, which is usually a good distraction from the torture that is waiting to find out if it all worked.
It's hard, to be honest. It's really hard to realize that something just isn't working. When we thought it was only his numbers, I figured an IUI would simply overcome it, and it would work. Now that his numbers are better and it's still not happening, I just don't know what's wrong. Why won't my body get pregnant like it's supposed to?! I feel broken.
I also worry about treatments. If we go in guns blazing with an injectibles/IUI cycle and I end up with twins (or triplets!), will I regret not going slower with an unmedicated IUI? If we do an unmedicated IUI, does it really give us a better chance if my husband's numbers are good? Then again, we could have hostile cervical mucus or cervical issues in general causing this, in which case it might be all we need. But if not, we're throwing away $600-700 per month for the pleasure of my husband ejaculating into a cup, and for me to put my feet in stirrups and have the doctor insert a catheter through my cervix to inject me with his sperm, which has been specially prepared by a laboratory. Joy!
I hate that we have to have medical treatment to get pregnant. It really pisses me off. I haven't quite gotten past the anger stage of grief, though I do think I am getting to the resigned part (even if I still hold onto some anger). The sad portion was around my birthday last month, and hopefully that's the end of it. Being that sad hurts everything, and everyone around me. Especially when they were all trying so hard to make me happy.
So... here we go! I'll get my period on Wednesday, and then in just about 3 weeks, I'll be calling my doctor to tell them I got a positive OPK and will be going in for an IUI. No meds this cycle. I figure we'll give it at least one shot! We were going to do two unmedicated IUIs, but my father-in-law and his best friend are coming for a visit the weekend when I should be ovulating for my second IUI (yes, I can predict within a few days even two months out). So we might just move on to the medicated TI cycle so we can save ourselves a trip up to the doctors office while our guests are in town. Which means we're going to have to super-stealthy have sex several times while they're visiting. Ah well, I guess the romance of this process is gone!
As I told my husband, it's not like I had any hope for this cycle. It's not like I have any hope for any natural cycle. Which means it's definitely time to move on.
I have to grieve the loss of the dream. The dream that we'll get a baby the way most people do. That it would happen accidentally-on-purpose, we'd get to surprise everyone with the news. That I'd have a candlelit dinner for my husband when he got home from work, and after I poured him wine, I'd put the bottle down and reach under the table for some Gingerale and say, "I guess I'm drinking this for the next 9 months!" And he'd look shocked, and we'd both cry happy tears, and be so excited and so scared.
I mean, I guess I could still surprise him like that as I'll probably know before him, but it sort of ruins it now that he knows exactly which days I can test, how likely our chances are, and how much money we've invested in the cycle. Also, a call from the doctor giving me my beta numbers isn't as cute. Oh, and also, popping progesterone smurf pills up my hoo-haa does not make for fun morning sex during the 2WW, which is usually a good distraction from the torture that is waiting to find out if it all worked.
It's hard, to be honest. It's really hard to realize that something just isn't working. When we thought it was only his numbers, I figured an IUI would simply overcome it, and it would work. Now that his numbers are better and it's still not happening, I just don't know what's wrong. Why won't my body get pregnant like it's supposed to?! I feel broken.
I also worry about treatments. If we go in guns blazing with an injectibles/IUI cycle and I end up with twins (or triplets!), will I regret not going slower with an unmedicated IUI? If we do an unmedicated IUI, does it really give us a better chance if my husband's numbers are good? Then again, we could have hostile cervical mucus or cervical issues in general causing this, in which case it might be all we need. But if not, we're throwing away $600-700 per month for the pleasure of my husband ejaculating into a cup, and for me to put my feet in stirrups and have the doctor insert a catheter through my cervix to inject me with his sperm, which has been specially prepared by a laboratory. Joy!
I hate that we have to have medical treatment to get pregnant. It really pisses me off. I haven't quite gotten past the anger stage of grief, though I do think I am getting to the resigned part (even if I still hold onto some anger). The sad portion was around my birthday last month, and hopefully that's the end of it. Being that sad hurts everything, and everyone around me. Especially when they were all trying so hard to make me happy.
So... here we go! I'll get my period on Wednesday, and then in just about 3 weeks, I'll be calling my doctor to tell them I got a positive OPK and will be going in for an IUI. No meds this cycle. I figure we'll give it at least one shot! We were going to do two unmedicated IUIs, but my father-in-law and his best friend are coming for a visit the weekend when I should be ovulating for my second IUI (yes, I can predict within a few days even two months out). So we might just move on to the medicated TI cycle so we can save ourselves a trip up to the doctors office while our guests are in town. Which means we're going to have to super-stealthy have sex several times while they're visiting. Ah well, I guess the romance of this process is gone!
Sunday, January 5, 2014
A Plan with Hope!
We went back to the RE on January 2nd. After my last post, I called every fertility clinic within a 3 hour drive of our new house hoping someone could get us an earlier appointment. The very next day, one clinic called me back and has been incredibly nice, helpful, and accomodating! I was supposed to ovulate on December 31st or January 1st, so I was worried that we'd miss even trying this cycle, but it was worth it. We got in one bout of sex on the morning of December 31st first thing in the morning, and then my ovulation prediction kit (OPK) turned positive that day, so it was pretty good timing overall, and he still got his 48 hours of abstinence in (barely!).
It was a full 2 hour drive to the doctor's office, so it will be a long trip for monitoring appointments, but I have such a good feeling about the doctor and his staff that I think it will be worth it. I fully believe this clinic is going to help us get pregnant, and that's such a good feeling!
First, they gave my husband another sperm analysis. His numbers were TONS better than last time! I told him to prepare for a slightly lower count because he abstained barely two days (I think 48 hours is probably close to exact) but it was over 75 million count, 79% motility. We still don't know morphology (I'm not entirely sure if they're going to check that at all) but the motility alone is a HUGE improvement - over it's more than 200% better! So my husband is pretty much still crowing about his awesome numbers. Considering he took it pretty hard that the only detectible source of issue was from him, I'm thrilled he got his mojo back. He's convinced the training he went through trashed his numbers and that was our only issue - I think we've still got some issues to overcome, and the vitamins may have had something to do with the improvement, too. Thankfully, he agrees that it's time to let medicine help us achieve this goal.
Then the doctor did an ultrasound on me. My husband offered to wait in the hallway, but I really appreciated that the doctor encouraged him to stay and learn. Everything looked great with me, apparently, and the doctor confirmed I had ovulated the day before. The doctor took the time to point everything out on the monitor to us so we could understand what was going on.
We talked about probabilities, costs, and such. We discussed our insurance and how to manage expenses through covered treatments. We also talked about how to balance our desire to be pregnant and not spend tons of money with a very strong adversion to having a multiple pregnancy - just ONE baby at a time, please!
So here we go! Our rough plan:
Cycle #0 - I am currently in the "two week wait" (aka 2WW) from when I ovulated on New Years Day. I will likely be able to test this coming weekend, and assuming it's a failure like the last 16 cycles, we will move on to a treatment cycle. We have about a 5% chance of success.
Cycle #1 - if I get my period as expected on January 15th, I will call the office to let them know that we'd like to move forward with an unmedicated IUI. I will then call with a positive OPK, which will likely be January 29th or 30th, and go in the next day with my husband for an interuterine insemination (IUI). They'll have him give a sample, wash it so that only the moving sperm are left and that they're in a fluid that makes them most capable of insemination. They will then put me in stirrups and using a catheter, insert the sperm directly into my uterus. This will give us around a 10-15% chance of success, but it keeps the risk of multiples (twins or greater) to the same risk as the general population. This will cost us around $650 total and one trip to the clinic.
Cycle #2 - we'll likely do another unmedicated IUI. Again, another $650 and one trip to the clinic. We will again have about a 10-15% chance of success.
Cycle #3 - we'll likely move on to a medicated timed intercourse (TI) cycle. We will order enough meds for 3 months, since the pharmacy is a mail order pharmacy. Starting on CD 1 (the first day of my period), I'll call to schedule a monitoring appointment on CD 3. I'll go in, they'll do an ultrasound and take bloodwork, and then I will start Femara daily for 5 days, followed by 2 days of injectables (Follistim, I think... maybe Gonal-F. I don't remember). Then I'll go in for a monitoring appointment to see how big my follicles have gotten and how many we have to work with. If there's 3 or less mature follicles, we'll trigger ovulation with another shot and have lots of sex. This would cost us approximately $200-300 since much of it is covered by insurance, and there will likely be 2-4 visits to the clinic, though my husband won't have to go to the clinic. We will have about a 10-15% chance of success, and a 20% chance of twins, and a 1% chance of greater-than-twins (also called "higher order multiples" or HOM for short).
Cycle #4 - we'll might do another TI cycle, but will probably move onto a medicated IUI. We'll follow all the same procedures as Cycle #3, except we will likely have some medication left over from our previous cycle, and my husband and I will have to go in to the clinic for the IUI like in Cycles #1 & #2. This will cost us probably around $1000. We'll have about a 20-25% chance of success, and a 20-30% chance of twins, and a 2-3% chance of HOM.
Cycle #5 - Same as Cycle #4. Will cost around $1000. We'll have about a 20-25% chance of success, and a 20-30% chance of twins, and a 2-3% chance of HOM.
Cycle #6 - Time to reassess - maybe one more IUI, maybe discuss moving on to IVF. If we do another IUI, it will cost around $1000. We'll have about a 20-25% chance of success, and a 20-30% chance of twins, and a 2-3% chance of HOM.
So there you have it! We're looking at spending close to $5000 over the next 5 months if we don't get pregnant on any of those cycles. It makes me sick to think about the other ways we could have used that money, especially if it all fails.
However, as a statistics nerd, I had to crunch the numbers - with all cycles combined (am I the only one who thinks of "Captain Planet"?), we have greater than 60% chance of getting pregnant over the next 6 months. That's pretty awesome! That's the same chances as your average couple just starting to try in their first 6 months. I feel hopeful again!
(If you're wondering that calculation, it's a variation of Bayes' Theorem - you add your chances together, then subtract the result of your chances of not succeeding multipled together - so in this case, if we take the low end rate of success, my success chances are 5%, 10%, 10%, 10%, 20%, 20%, 20% respectively each cycle, so then I would say (0.05+0.1+0.1+0.1+0.2+0.2+0.2)-(.95*.9*.9*.9*.8*.8*.8) = 60%)
Also over the holidays, we moved into a new home. Our new home. We own it! It's really even more exciting than I expected. We painted our two guest rooms this week, and I even dared envision one of them as a nursery. Here's hoping!
It was a full 2 hour drive to the doctor's office, so it will be a long trip for monitoring appointments, but I have such a good feeling about the doctor and his staff that I think it will be worth it. I fully believe this clinic is going to help us get pregnant, and that's such a good feeling!
First, they gave my husband another sperm analysis. His numbers were TONS better than last time! I told him to prepare for a slightly lower count because he abstained barely two days (I think 48 hours is probably close to exact) but it was over 75 million count, 79% motility. We still don't know morphology (I'm not entirely sure if they're going to check that at all) but the motility alone is a HUGE improvement - over it's more than 200% better! So my husband is pretty much still crowing about his awesome numbers. Considering he took it pretty hard that the only detectible source of issue was from him, I'm thrilled he got his mojo back. He's convinced the training he went through trashed his numbers and that was our only issue - I think we've still got some issues to overcome, and the vitamins may have had something to do with the improvement, too. Thankfully, he agrees that it's time to let medicine help us achieve this goal.
Then the doctor did an ultrasound on me. My husband offered to wait in the hallway, but I really appreciated that the doctor encouraged him to stay and learn. Everything looked great with me, apparently, and the doctor confirmed I had ovulated the day before. The doctor took the time to point everything out on the monitor to us so we could understand what was going on.
We talked about probabilities, costs, and such. We discussed our insurance and how to manage expenses through covered treatments. We also talked about how to balance our desire to be pregnant and not spend tons of money with a very strong adversion to having a multiple pregnancy - just ONE baby at a time, please!
So here we go! Our rough plan:
Cycle #0 - I am currently in the "two week wait" (aka 2WW) from when I ovulated on New Years Day. I will likely be able to test this coming weekend, and assuming it's a failure like the last 16 cycles, we will move on to a treatment cycle. We have about a 5% chance of success.
Cycle #1 - if I get my period as expected on January 15th, I will call the office to let them know that we'd like to move forward with an unmedicated IUI. I will then call with a positive OPK, which will likely be January 29th or 30th, and go in the next day with my husband for an interuterine insemination (IUI). They'll have him give a sample, wash it so that only the moving sperm are left and that they're in a fluid that makes them most capable of insemination. They will then put me in stirrups and using a catheter, insert the sperm directly into my uterus. This will give us around a 10-15% chance of success, but it keeps the risk of multiples (twins or greater) to the same risk as the general population. This will cost us around $650 total and one trip to the clinic.
Cycle #2 - we'll likely do another unmedicated IUI. Again, another $650 and one trip to the clinic. We will again have about a 10-15% chance of success.
Cycle #3 - we'll likely move on to a medicated timed intercourse (TI) cycle. We will order enough meds for 3 months, since the pharmacy is a mail order pharmacy. Starting on CD 1 (the first day of my period), I'll call to schedule a monitoring appointment on CD 3. I'll go in, they'll do an ultrasound and take bloodwork, and then I will start Femara daily for 5 days, followed by 2 days of injectables (Follistim, I think... maybe Gonal-F. I don't remember). Then I'll go in for a monitoring appointment to see how big my follicles have gotten and how many we have to work with. If there's 3 or less mature follicles, we'll trigger ovulation with another shot and have lots of sex. This would cost us approximately $200-300 since much of it is covered by insurance, and there will likely be 2-4 visits to the clinic, though my husband won't have to go to the clinic. We will have about a 10-15% chance of success, and a 20% chance of twins, and a 1% chance of greater-than-twins (also called "higher order multiples" or HOM for short).
Cycle #4 - we'll might do another TI cycle, but will probably move onto a medicated IUI. We'll follow all the same procedures as Cycle #3, except we will likely have some medication left over from our previous cycle, and my husband and I will have to go in to the clinic for the IUI like in Cycles #1 & #2. This will cost us probably around $1000. We'll have about a 20-25% chance of success, and a 20-30% chance of twins, and a 2-3% chance of HOM.
Cycle #5 - Same as Cycle #4. Will cost around $1000. We'll have about a 20-25% chance of success, and a 20-30% chance of twins, and a 2-3% chance of HOM.
Cycle #6 - Time to reassess - maybe one more IUI, maybe discuss moving on to IVF. If we do another IUI, it will cost around $1000. We'll have about a 20-25% chance of success, and a 20-30% chance of twins, and a 2-3% chance of HOM.
So there you have it! We're looking at spending close to $5000 over the next 5 months if we don't get pregnant on any of those cycles. It makes me sick to think about the other ways we could have used that money, especially if it all fails.
However, as a statistics nerd, I had to crunch the numbers - with all cycles combined (am I the only one who thinks of "Captain Planet"?), we have greater than 60% chance of getting pregnant over the next 6 months. That's pretty awesome! That's the same chances as your average couple just starting to try in their first 6 months. I feel hopeful again!
(If you're wondering that calculation, it's a variation of Bayes' Theorem - you add your chances together, then subtract the result of your chances of not succeeding multipled together - so in this case, if we take the low end rate of success, my success chances are 5%, 10%, 10%, 10%, 20%, 20%, 20% respectively each cycle, so then I would say (0.05+0.1+0.1+0.1+0.2+0.2+0.2)-(.95*.9*.9*.9*.8*.8*.8) = 60%)
Also over the holidays, we moved into a new home. Our new home. We own it! It's really even more exciting than I expected. We painted our two guest rooms this week, and I even dared envision one of them as a nursery. Here's hoping!
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