I felt pretty terrible about it, too, because my husband and parents went above and beyond to try to make me happy, and none of it really helped clear the fog that's been following me around. I spent a good bit of the day crying and just moping around. I took a two hour nap with my dog, which was pretty much the highlight of my day.
I got my period yesterday. I knew it was coming. Hello there, 28th year of life and 17th cycle of trying and failing to conceive. Well, I guess it's technically my 29th year of life, as I have now completed 28 years (since your first year of life is before your first birthday). Whatever.
My friend who is pregnant had her online video baby shower that day. I sent her a present, but I knew the week before my bithday that it was just going to be too much for me. She thankfully understood when I told her that I couldn't handle it. I had already been trying nearly 10 months when she first started trying. She's due in January. I'm happy for her, truly I am, but sometimes it's hard to see underneath how sad I am for myself. And seeing her pregnancy develop just further emphasizes how much I'm missing out on.
Or seeing our nephew, who is 4 months old. I could have one of those by now, if we had been luckier. Heck, I could have an 8 month old at this point if we had gotten lucky on our honeymoon.
I'm just carrying around this gray cloud. And I know it's dragging me down, but it's just sitting on my shoulders and I can't shake it. Sometimes it hurts less to ignore it, because when I try to shake it, all I can do is cry. I know this isn't healthy, and I do want to see a therapist about it. But because we're moving in 2 weeks, it makes the most sense to get an appointment once we get down to our new home so I can have some continuity of care
Speaking of continuity of care, I called the base hospital to see if their OB/GYN department does IUIs like I had heard some do. Apparently it doesn't. Which means I'd get referred to a civilian Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) anyway. So I figured out which RE's my insurance covers (for whatever little it will cover at all) and the closest is an hour away. I called to make an appointment... first appointment is March 17th. WHAT?!!
My cycles are clockwork, and March 17th would likely CD 1-6 (giving myself some natural wiggle room if I ovulate a day early or late in my next few cycles). Which means they would still likely require some initial testing before starting treatment, meaning we wouldn't get to do any IUI or meds until the following cycle - which would mean my ovulation that will likely be the beginning of May! So here I am in mid-December being told the earliest I can probably get any help is in MAY!
I'm devastated. I'm sobbing. I tried to be a big girl and not cry on the phone with the receptionist, but I couldn't help it. I sniffled as I gave her my phone number to put me on the cancellation list. I even had to repeat a number as I struggled (and failed) to keep my voice from cracking. I'm struggling to see the screen through my tears right now.
I'm so frustrated and upset and disappointed and angry. I'm just so so so so sad.
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