Well, I suppose I could take a pregnancy test any time I wanted. It just would look exactly the same as it's looked every single test for the last 16 cycles - NOT PREGNANT. It feels like it says this:
But if I want to keep some hope that the cycle may have worked, that I may finally see those second beautiful line that says I'm finally pregnant, I have to wait until at least 10-12 DPO (or Days Past Ovulation).
That's not to say I haven't tested before that. Like 8 DPO. Or maybe 6 DPO once when I was desperately and hopeful. Or maybe twice... at like 5 DPO...
Anyway...
Each cycle, I get my hopes up. I've tracked symptoms that occur during the 2WW in the hope that I'll be able to look back and say, "Oh yes, that twinge MUST have been implantation cramping!"
This cycle, I realized that every month since my HSG in August, I've had ovulation cramping. The day after my first positive OPK, I have been feeling strong cramps on one side or the other, presumably from my ovary that is releasing that cycle's egg. It never happened before my HSG, so now I'm wondering what that means. While my HSG showed my tubes are clear, perhaps there was some cobwebs that were cleared out in the process? Or maybe the vitamins I've been taking have made me ovulate stronger, bigger eggs?
I also noticed that approximately 4-5 DPO, I feel cramping similar to my CD 1 cramps (when I first start my period). Every month, I hope it's implantation cramping. Every month, I'm disappointed.
So when I noticed it was a pattern, I worried it might mean endometriosis (and really, it might. I can't rule that out). That little fear grew exponentially in my head into major endometriosis issues that would result in implantation issues, and that we'd waste tens of thousands on IVF and never get pregnant. Quite a little stroll for my imagination to take me on, huh?
I did manage to find some research that progesterone can cause cramps, and the cramping does come on with severely sore boobs, which is normal progesterone symptoms (during the 2WW, the body is supposed to experience a drop in estrogen and rise in progesterone if the hormones and reproductive system are functioning correctly). So now I'm pretty sure that it's just normal progesterone issues.
But it got me thinking... what crazy mind games do I play with myself over all this? Well before I had a need to worry about infertility, I was worried. Was it truly premonition that something really wasn't working, or was I that girl who I now roll my eyes at - someone who has been trying exactly three months and going:
I'm pretty sure I uttered those exact words. I know I have recently.
So I play mind games with myself. If I don't have any alcohol this month, I'll get pregnant. And then I don't, and so I drink a whole bottle of wine (true story). If we have sex exactly every other day, and then twice after I get a positive OPK, it'll definitely work. Except it didn't. And if my husband takes all these pills, it'll improve his sperm and we'll definitely got pregnant. We haven't yet, and except for increasing his libido, we don't know if any of it has any impact on his sperm quality.
I worry. A lot. I worry that we'll invest tens of thousands of dollars in infertility treatments, suffer months of disappointment and physical discomfort, and have nothing to show for it except an empty bank account.
I get superstitious. I get super hopeful, even when I know there's no good reason to be hopeful. I think, "It has to happen eventually!" and then in the very next second, I think, "It will NEVER ever happen!" I go from complete conviction that it will happen soon, or that I'll at least have enough patience to do a few rounds of medical treatment to finally get pregnant. Then I'm convinced I can't handle this much longer, that I'll need a long break of not trying to focus on other things if a few treatment cycles don't work.
It's one crazy rollercoaster, and that on its own is exhausting!
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