Moving on

As this blog has been so focused on infertility, I don't feel it's fair to change it to a pregnancy (and hopefully then parenting) blog.  I don't want to do that to my readers who are still struggling, because I know that I would not want to keep reading a pregnancy blog while still fighting my own battle.

My pregnancy blog will include many more personal details (like my husband's and my first names, personal pictures, etc.) so I won't be linking my new blog in my Bump signature, and I won't be putting it here.  If you know me and want to keep following my progress, send me a message (either on TheBump, via email, or in comments here) and I will make the call on who gets to have my new blog address based on who I feel comfortable sharing those personal details with as this progresses.  I hope you understand!

For all of you who have read my blog thus far, thank you. You've made me feel less alone in this.  You've made me feel like my path had a purpose - to share our story to others who might be a few steps behind in their own journeys.  I hope so much that each of you find a similarly happy ending to your infertility journey.

The biggest guilt I feel is in leaving others behind.  It's all so unfair to be infertile, and getting a positive is such a crap shoot.  I feel incredibly, undeniably lucky, and so very grateful.  I'm also feeling not worthy, as I know I didn't struggle as long as many others who I have rooted for and who I have seen take harder disappointments along this journey.

I owe it to all those who are still struggling to take the very best care of this pregnancy, and hopefully resulting baby.  I owe it to those who are still fighting to verbally acknowledge that we fought for this pregnancy, that it didn't come easy or cheaply, to help dispel the myth that it's easy for everyone.  I owe it to those who have ever fought this battle to continue to help in whatever way I can to increase infertility awareness and push for better insurance coverage and treatment options and social acceptance.  I hope that I don't get pregnancy amnesia and forget how hard I struggled, how tough this all was, and how lucky I am right now.

I know there's no guarantees.  As someone who waited a long time for this pregnancy, I'm well aware that pregnancy is a constant risk, of varying degrees, for both mother and child.  I know that this could end tonight, tomorrow, next week, next month.  I am trying to push those fears out of my mind and enjoy this, because it's worth celebrating.  Today I am pregnant.

So for now, this is adieu.  If this pregnancy results in a loss, I will likely resume posting on this blog.  But it has come to symbolize my struggles - every time I look at the rain stained background, it reminds me of the innumerable tears that I've cried, the feeling like a cloud was following me everywhere I went as I struggled with depression and anxiety while battling infertility.  I will never forget, but for now I think it's best to move forward.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I sign off with tears of happiness and apprehension and excitement and fear.  I love you all, and wish happy endings for each of you.

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Just for those who see the happy ending first and want a summary of the struggle...

TTC Timeline:

March 2012 - Off birth control

September 2012 - Started actively trying to conceive

July 2013 - Went to an RE for initial testing - SA revealed low motility (25%) and morphology (4%). No other issues uncovered.  Began a vitamin regimen for 6 months.

January 2014 - After moving to a new location, went to a new RE.  Repeat SA showed increased motility (78%) and morphology was untested (or at least unknown to me).

February 2014 - Unmedicated, unmonitored IUI - procedure scheduled based on OPKs

March 2014 - Femara/Follistim (33.3 iu) & Ovidrel Timed Intercourse cycle

April 2014 - Femara/Follistim (50 iu) & Ovidrel IUI cycle (natural surge so triggered early - resulted in possible chemical pregnancy)

May 2014 - Follistim (75 iu) & Ovidrel IUI cycle - BFP!!!!