Waiting Patiently

Today is 11 DPO.  I have not peed on any sticks since my IUI.  This is the longest I've gone in a cycle before testing in probably 16 months or so.  I won't test until the late evening of 13 DPO at the earliest, possibly the morning of 14 DPO.

I'm not quite sure how I've lasted this long.  Part of me wants to drive to the Dollar Store and buy a pee stick, I'm not going to lie.  But the other part of me is proud of my patience.  I'm probably the least patient person you've ever met, so this is a big achievement.

I'm strangely at peace. I'm not overly anxious to test. I think NIAW was more cathartic than I could have imagined, and I'm just in a really good place at the moment.  The pangs that hit from seeing pregnant women rub their bellies at the supermarket or a newborn pushed in a carriage on the street still hit, but far less severely.  It's a twinge rather than gut wrenching.

I'm hoping this cycle works, but I'm not placing my bets on it.  My boobs hurt for the whole first week after my IUI, and they don't hurt anymore, though my nipples are sore now.  I didn't get the cramps around 6 DPO that I normally get, but maybe I was just distracted.  Overall, it's been pretty much like any other cycle, though I'm not sure what I'd expect as a "sign" at this point - I've had every symptom imaginable during one luteal phase or another, and never been pregnant (except for my chemical pregnancy last cycle, but medically it's "not relevant" and is not in my chart, as my doctor does not do beta blood tests unless you have a positive home pregnancy test on 17 DPO).

I speak of IVF as if it's inevitable rather than simply likely.  I think it helps me mentally to prepare for the next steps if this cycle doesn't work.

This isn't much of an entry except to say I am still waiting.  And hoping.  And ready for it not to work.  I'm at peace, for the first time in a long time.  The depression has lifted a bit, and I'm feeling a lot better than I have in quite awhile. I'm zen at the moment.  It feels nice!