I have been to therapy in the past to deal with anxiety, and I've had some really good therapists. I like to say good talk therapy is like cleaning out an infected wound. Looking at the wound from the outside, you can't always tell something's wrong - often it just looks like a scab. But it festers and the infection grows, and soon you have to rip off the scab and clean out the infection inside. It hurts, sometimes a lot worse than it did before you pulled off that scab, but then it starts to get better. And like cleaning any wound, you will have to go back again and rip off the new scab and clean out the infection again. Over and over, until finally the infection is gone (or at least under control) and all you are left with is a small scar that will eventually fade until you barely notice it.
So I want to clean out my wounded soul, drag out those fears into the light of day, talk through all the stressors that are keeping me up at night and making me cry. So I called my insurance and then made an appointment with a covered therapist.
Let me start by saying she was a sweet old lady. Likely in her 70's, she was grandmotherly and clearly cared. I'm not sure what her credentials are, but I know she likes cognitive therapy and hypnotherapy, both I'm on board with as good treatments. However, that's about where my positive statements come to an end.
My session started by mentioning we were dealing with infertility and that I'm new in town and don't have any friends yet, and that I can't job hunt because of the time commitment for fertility treatments, and that I'm not sure what I'd want to do anyway. This led into a conversation about my career path, which has been rocky to say the least (ever since college, I've jumped from one job I hated into another one, with large periods of unemployment due to my husband's career in the military).
She made some comment about how she's seen lots of women put their men through school and raise kids, and then the husband leaves for a younger woman. That I should make sure to keep a job in case he leaves me. Um.... okay? Thanks for the tip? Call me naive, but if there's one thing I'm not stressed about, it's my husband leaving me. That man is loyal to the bone. But thanks for adding to my anxiety?
Then we talk about infertility. She asks me what tests we've done, and I gloss over it and state that they've done a variety of tests and at this point, we're unexplained infertility. She says, "Oh, well then as soon as you stop stressing about it, you'll get pregnant."
Ugh, I've heard that one before. So I open my mouth with my mind set that I'd educated her, "Actually, unexplained infertility doesn't mean that nothing's wrong. It means that the initial tests weren't able to determine a cause. It could be hostile cervical mucus, antibodies to his sperm, endometriosis, implantation issues, fertilization issues, egg quality issues..."
And she cuts me off, "You're very pessimistic, aren't you?"
Me: "No, not usually. I just research the heck out of things, and I like to know what I'm dealing with and what my chances are."
Therapist: "None of those things are wrong with you."
Me, with mouth agape: "You can't possibly know that."
Therapist: "Yes, I do. What did your testing show?"
Me: "Everything seems to be working normally with me, and my husband's numbers are good... they were mediocre this summer, which could explain some of it, but they're fine now..."
Therapist: "See? Nothing's wrong, it's in your head. You're causing this by being stressed about it all. If your husband's numbers are good, are you worried about him blaming you for the infertility?"
Me: "No, he's been very understanding about the whole thing. We're in this together."
Therapist: "I know some men worry about their manliness when they can't get their wife pregnant. I have one client whose husband left her when she couldn't conceive, he went out and got another woman pregnant to prove he could."
Me: "I'm not at all worried that will be me. It may sound naive, but that is just simply not my husband."
Therapist: "You never know, I see women all the time who never thought their husband could cheat and then he did. You don't know how he'll respond to something like this. By you being negative and not getting pregnant, aren't you worried about pushing him away? I've seen plenty of women who have given up careers, moved around for their husband's military career, raised children, and then their husbands left them."
Me: "That's not me. That's not my husband. It may sound naive, but I know my husband is loyal. He's got a very strong sense of what's moral and right, and nothing enfuriates him more than someone hitting on someone who is married. And he's incredibly supportive of the whole infertility treatment. He's the first one to say he's okay with any method to becoming parents, including adoption."
Therapist: "Well, you mentioned that you'd lived in China - there's lots of little Chinese girls who need someone to love them!"
Me: "We've discussed domestic adoption. We'd want to do foster-to-adopt, we think. But really, that's not even on my radar at the moment. I'm trying to get pregnant, we've been trying for going on two years, and I'm frustrated and upset and worried I'll never have a biological child."
Therapist: "You're being negative again! You don't mind if I have my prayer group pray for you, do you? I won't use your name, but I just think you could use help.
Me: "Sure, I appreciate the kind thoughts."
Therapist: "I think some prayer and positive thinking will get you pregnant."
Me: "That's not how this works, and you're really offending me. I appreciate kind thoughts and wishes, but I've already told you that I'm an atheist so I don't believe there's some higher power making this decision as to whether or not I get pregnant. And as for why we're not getting pregnant, I am sure there is a medical explantion, which iss why we have a fertility doctor now - I like him and I trust him and I hope he's going to be able to overcome whatever our problem is. I trust him to figure out my fertility issue, and I'm here for the emotional issues."
Therapist (clearly not getting the hint): "How old are you?"
Me: "I'm 27... I mean, 28. I kind of ignored my birthday this year since it was pretty hard emotionally on me."
Therapist: "You're still young. Women are having babies into their 40's now. You have time."
Me: "Medicine is coming very far, and the older women get the more likely they'll have difficulty. But since I am having difficulty, that's all pretty meaningless regardless of my age. Something is preventing me from getting pregnant, and the infertility is causing me anxiety."
Therapist: "Your anxiety is causing your infertility. If you stop stressing out about it, you'll get pregnant."
Me: "That's not how it works."
Therapist: "You're really a pessimist, aren't you? The mind and body are tied more than you'd think. I know a couple who couldn't conceive for years, adopted a baby, and wham! Got pregnant."
Me: "With all due respect, you're being very insensitive. You're belitting my anxieties caused by infertility, and you're belittling the intense emotional process to get to the point of adoption as merely a means to bypass infertility. It's its own way of bringing a child into your family, and we have discussed it as a possibility down the road, but right now I am grieving not getting pregnant the natural way without a doctor's help. Before I get to that point, I'd also have to grieve the idea of having a biological child."
Therapist: "Here you are being negative again. Have you always been this negative? Are you religious?"
Me: "No, I'm actually an atheist. And I'm being realistic."
Therapist: "Certain religions have an aspect of guilt. Were you raised atheist?"
Me: "No, I was raised Episcopalian. My husband was raised Catholic."
Therapist: "Those are two religions full of guilt! Whether you chose to believe the rest or not, the guilt and negativity seeped into you."
Me: "I'm not being negative because of religion. I'm not being negative. I'm worried, and I'm being realistic. We're investing $600 this month in a 90% chance of failure. I'm nervous and I'm scared and that's normal, and I'm here to work through it."
Therapist: "Again with the negativity! Why do you think you have a 90% chance of failure? You have to say that you're spending $600 to get pregnant this month!"
Me: "Because the doctor told me that we have a 10% chance of success with this protocol."
Therapist: "Doctors don't know everything. If you believe it will happen, it will happen."
Me: "Hope hurts. If I hope too hard, I get really disappointed. If we have a 10% chance of success, I am 10% hopeful and 90% prepared for disappointment."
Therapist: "If you don't believe, it won't happen."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Needless to say, I won't be returning to that woman! The hardest part was that she was so earnest, she was trying so hard to help me. She asked at the end if I'd come back to see her again, she wants to try hypnotherapy. But I'll be cancelling the appointment, and I knew it before I even made it. I only made it to avoid an even more awkward confrontation. I just can't believe how that all went down!
I have an appointment on Monday with another therapist who I called right after I left that appointment.
After initial introduction, I said, "I am having some infertility issues and it's brought on some anxiety. I'd like to talk to a therapist about it."
The new therapist replied, "Well, I can help with the anxiety, but I definitely can't help with the infertility."
"Well, that's good," I giggled, "since my last therapist told me if I stopped stressing, I'd solve the infertility!"
The therapist giggled: "Wow, that's quite a trick! Does this therapist charge double as a fertility doctor as well as a therapist?"
I think I like her already!!!!
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