I've found myself getting more and more anxious recently (not that the therapist I went to helped, as I'm sure you picked up on from my last post!). I do have an appointment with another therapist, but I've been trying meditation, yoga, jacuzzi bath (don't worry, it is only warm, not hot!).
Yesterday, a good friend texted me a picture of her hours-old newborn. I knew to expect it - she had a scheduled c-section since her baby was breech. Seeing the adorable photo still stung a bit, but I cried for a minute and then texted back how beautiful her little girl is, and how happy I am for her. And it's all true, and I mean it.
Her Dad then sent out an email in the evening with a play-by-play of the whole day. And I didn't cry, but it hurt really badly. Hearing about the happiness of a couple welcoming their newborn, and wishing it had happened to us just made my heart physially ache. I mentioned how I felt to my husband, and he didn't understand. He doesn't feel envy or those pangs of longing. Or if he does, he doesn't vocalize it. To him, being happy for them is one thing, and I don't even know if he's fully frustrated it hasn't happened to us yet. He just knows we're on a different path, and doesn't feel the urge to compare. He believes it will be us someday, and that we'll do what we have to do to get there. He doesn't worry about how unfair it is that we're in this position to need medical help, he doesn't focus on regret that it hasn't happened the old fashioned way. He just looks forward, and believes it will happen one day. And that will be good enough.
I realized I'm focusing a lot on the past, regretting "what could have been". If we had gotten pregnant on our honeymoon, we'd have a 7-8 month old right now. This friend got pregnant after two months of trying, at which point my husband and I had been trying nearly a year already. And now her baby is here, and she's a Mom, and I'm still infertile.
Measuring up against someone else whose pregnancy I've watched with envy (note: NOT jealousy - I am thrilled for her and she deserves it, and she was always incredibly sensitive to my struggles, but it doesn't mean I don't wish I had what she has, too) is a recipe for pain and anguish. It's a visual yardstick of how far other people's lives have come while I've been treading water, waiting for this next step that has not yet come and I worry will never come.
I can't have a baby right now. I can't have a 7 month old. I can't be pregnant right now. Because I'm not, and it hasn't happened yet, and I can't change the past. So I realize I need to stop focusing on "what could have been" and start focusing more positively on "what can be".
We will try medical treatment. We have a good chance. We could get pregnant the first try, or the second, or the third. All of those have hope of success. If one thing doesn't work, we can try another. We can keep trying until we get pregnant or adopt, so this journey WILL end with a baby somehow. I cannot know how long it will take, and I cannot let that ruin my time between now and then (however long that will be).
Last night, as I was trying to calm myself down from being upset that I'm not pregnant yet, I wrote a little mantra. It came out kind of like a poem, but it had a very calming effect on me to read it over and over, letting the words resonate and find the truth in them. It helped to visualize the poem - the river flowing, the rocks passing by, and enjoy the scenery of the shores as we pass by them.
Because it helped me, I'm going to share it here in case it helps someone else:
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
As the earth moves, so does time.
We are not stuck in this moment anymore than a drop of water is stuck in a river.
We flow through time, and time flows through us.
And together, we move forward.
There is no going back.
Water flows downstream.
Never the same drop passing the same stone twice.
Focus not on the last stone, but rather the next.
And if you pass that next stone, focus on the one after that.
For you will keep moving forward.
Weep not over the stones left behind.
Envy not the drops that have already settled on a rock.
You will find your rock, that is not your rock.
There are plenty of rocks, and you will have your own.
Just keep allowing the current to bring you along down the stream.
Enjoy the journey.
It is a beautiful river and a lovely day.
Do not miss the experience of the journey by aching over past stones.
You have passed them - look forward!
One day, you shall find your rock.
You will have your moment.
Just keep looking downstream and enjoying the journey.
It is a lovely journey.
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