Today is 11 DPO and I got a stark negative on a Wondfo pregnancy test this morning. Which means we're probably out this cycle. Again. Really, not a surprise. I didn't even feel sad. I just felt resigned.
As I told my husband, it's not like I had any hope for this cycle. It's not like I have any hope for any natural cycle. Which means it's definitely time to move on.
I have to grieve the loss of the dream. The dream that we'll get a baby the way most people do. That it would happen accidentally-on-purpose, we'd get to surprise everyone with the news. That I'd have a candlelit dinner for my husband when he got home from work, and after I poured him wine, I'd put the bottle down and reach under the table for some Gingerale and say, "I guess I'm drinking this for the next 9 months!" And he'd look shocked, and we'd both cry happy tears, and be so excited and so scared.
I mean, I guess I could still surprise him like that as I'll probably know before him, but it sort of ruins it now that he knows exactly which days I can test, how likely our chances are, and how much money we've invested in the cycle. Also, a call from the doctor giving me my beta numbers isn't as cute. Oh, and also, popping progesterone smurf pills up my hoo-haa does not make for fun morning sex during the 2WW, which is usually a good distraction from the torture that is waiting to find out if it all worked.
It's hard, to be honest. It's really hard to realize that something just isn't working. When we thought it was only his numbers, I figured an IUI would simply overcome it, and it would work. Now that his numbers are better and it's still not happening, I just don't know what's wrong. Why won't my body get pregnant like it's supposed to?! I feel broken.
I also worry about treatments. If we go in guns blazing with an injectibles/IUI cycle and I end up with twins (or triplets!), will I regret not going slower with an unmedicated IUI? If we do an unmedicated IUI, does it really give us a better chance if my husband's numbers are good? Then again, we could have hostile cervical mucus or cervical issues in general causing this, in which case it might be all we need. But if not, we're throwing away $600-700 per month for the pleasure of my husband ejaculating into a cup, and for me to put my feet in stirrups and have the doctor insert a catheter through my cervix to inject me with his sperm, which has been specially prepared by a laboratory. Joy!
I hate that we have to have medical treatment to get pregnant. It really pisses me off. I haven't quite gotten past the anger stage of grief, though I do think I am getting to the resigned part (even if I still hold onto some anger). The sad portion was around my birthday last month, and hopefully that's the end of it. Being that sad hurts everything, and everyone around me. Especially when they were all trying so hard to make me happy.
So... here we go! I'll get my period on Wednesday, and then in just about 3 weeks, I'll be calling my doctor to tell them I got a positive OPK and will be going in for an IUI. No meds this cycle. I figure we'll give it at least one shot! We were going to do two unmedicated IUIs, but my father-in-law and his best friend are coming for a visit the weekend when I should be ovulating for my second IUI (yes, I can predict within a few days even two months out). So we might just move on to the medicated TI cycle so we can save ourselves a trip up to the doctors office while our guests are in town. Which means we're going to have to super-stealthy have sex several times while they're visiting. Ah well, I guess the romance of this process is gone!
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