(The below is a compilation of entries made over the course of the past several days. The post ends talking about a likely chemical pregnancy, so be warned if this is something that would be difficult to read about).
Written Thursday April 3rd:
I am writing this to post later. I’ve never posted on delay before, but I feel
like certain people who read this blog deserve to be told personally before I
put it on blast for the world to read. I
also don’t want to have to eat my words if things don’t turn out as I hope.
I think I am pregnant.
I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant. I
really think I am probably pregnant.
I tested out my trigger.
Around 8 days past trigger (dpt), which is 7 days past IUI (dpiui), the
test was glaringly negative. Stark
white. Totally negative. Same for 9 dpt and 10 dpt (8 and 9 dpiui
respectively).
I was told not to test early – that it would lead to
unnecessary early disappointment or false hope.
I might still be in the false hope territory, but the fact that I had 3
days of negative tests before today’s test makes me feel like I’m not
stretching this too far.
Yesterday I tested, and it was negative, and I let myself
get negative and lose hope. If this
works out, testing yesterday would definitely qualify as unnecessary early
disappointment. I didn’t have much hope
this cycle, I just didn’t feel like it would happen. As I’ve previously written, I have felt like
we were doomed to walk a long and hard path with infertility. I was somewhat expecting to be in this for
the long haul (and we still might – this is still early to even call it an
official BFP and even then, early to know whether this is a viable pregnancy).
But for today, I feel hopeful. Today I took another test, checked it at the
10 minute mark, and thought to myself, “Well, it’s negative again.” And I went
to place the pee stick down (I keep them lined up to see the progression
day-by-day for the cycle), and out of the corner of my eye, I saw a line.
I yanked the strip back up, and twisted my wrist back and
forth trying to make the line look clearer.
I could see something, but I wasn’t sure if I was making it up. I jumped in our Jacuzzi bathtub, which is in
the corner where the only window is in the bathroom. I yanked open the shades, and twisted the
strip in front of my eye again. Yes, it
was… was it? Yes, it was a shadow of a
line. It was where it was supposed to
be, it was a line. But only if I twisted
it at the right angle, didn’t look absolutely directly at it, and had the right
light.
I must be losing my mind.
So I did what every sane person would do – I ran to the
backyard in my pajamas to look under bright sunlight. Was the line still there? Yes, yes it was. There was a line!
I dropped to my knees, shaking and crying, and my confused
dog walked over and licked my face. I
then went back inside, and had to check again under the bathroom lighting.
Yes, that whisper of a line was still there.
I texted a series of quick messages to a dear friend who has
been through this all with me from the very beginning (I remember distinctly the
day she told me that she had just gotten a positive pregnancy test, her 6th
month of trying, back in early 2012!):
I think I have a
squinter!!!!
I am shaking and in
disbelief.
I am not sure, it’s
VERY light, but it’s most definitely there, and more than yesterday or the day
before.
Damnit, you are the
only person I am telling before my husband – CALL ME!!!! J
She did call me back promptly, and was excited for me.
I have second guessed myself a dozen times. Every time I look at it again, and compare it
to previous sticks from the past several days, I feel confident. And then I think about it, and I second guess
myself.
My husband asked me to meet him for lunch, and then texted
me and told me to show up at 11am as he didn’t have much work to do and we
could go buy him some new socks before grabbing lunch.
As we walked out of the building towards the car, I said, “You didn’t hide my tests last night like you said you would.” (After being bummed by a 9 dpiui BFN, he told me he was going to take them away until 12 dpiui when it would be slightly more definitive).
Husband: “Oh, I’m sorry, did you test?” (Sounding worried that I’d be upset).
Me: “Yup, and I got a squinter! I think I might be pregnant!”
The look on his face was priceless. I’ve dreamt of making
his face light up like that, seeing that grin of amazement and love and
excitement. I had far more elaborate
plans early on for how I’d tell him during our first few cycles of trying to
conceive, but in true “us” fashion, the simple and straight forward approach
was the best. He proposed to me when I
was stark naked after stepping out of the shower. Like I said, simple and straight forward is
sort of our thing.
We went to lunch, and were both in a bit of a happy
daze. We talked a little about baby stuff,
but mostly just how unbelievable and bewildering it is to find ourselves in
this spot. He says he always believed
we’d get here, and I honestly don’t think I was ever sure it would happen for
us.
After lunch, he had more time, so we went to the store to look at baby things. Not because we were going to buy anything, but because we were so happy to finally be able to look at things and imagine needing them.
I’m a terribly impatient person, so I peed on another stick
this evening. It was still a squinter,
but a slightly easier to identify squinter.
You didn’t have to avoid direct eye contact with the line to see it –
it’s a shadow, but it’s definitely there.
My husband even says he sees it, though he isn’t sure it’s a line. I keep telling him that seeing ANYTHING means
it’s positive.
I know it could technically still be the trigger, which is
where I guess false hope comes in. But
with 3 days of glaringly negative tests before this one, and a darker test this
evening than this morning, I think it’s okay to say, with a shaky voice filled
with the apprehension that comes from an emotional 20 months of trying to get
pregnant, that today I am pregnant.
I am pregnant.
Those words alone make me cry. Finally, tears of happiness. Tears of hope.
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Written Friday April 4th:
Today is 11 dpiui. I
peed on another stick. There’s still
something. It’s still not clear. It’s a line, sort of, but it’s just ever so
slightly barely there.
Part of me wants to withhold water and pee on sticks all
day. But I know that if I am pregnant
(and really, it seems I’m pregnant for the moment at least,
even though whether or not it’s a chemical pregnancy is dubious) that I need to
hydrate. So I’ll keep drinking water,
and keep hoping.
I’m terribly impatient.
Patience is not a virtue I have.
I just want to know what’s going on, and I want to know NOW!
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Written Sunday April 6th:
Today is 13 dpiui.
The line seems to have gotten lighter.
In fairness, I think I’ve been trying to hydrate, and my pee has been
more diluted.
On Friday (11 dpiui), I went to Lowes and bought materials
to build a garden. While I was there, I
stopped at a nearby Dollar Store to pick up a bunch of their cheap pregnancy
tests. When I took one, the second line
was light but definitely positive.
On 12 dpiui, I couldn’t get the Dollar Store cheapie to show
a line. About 20 minutes after peeing on
it, something showed up, but it wasn’t the right width, and I’m not sure I’d
even call it a faint positive. But I
could still get squinters on the Wondfos.
And now on 13 dpiui, which is likely 12 dpo, I was hoping my
first morning urine would show a slightly more clear line. No such luck.
I’ve peed on a few Wondfos since then and did another Dollar Store
test. The Dollar Store test seems to be
negative, and the Wondfos are back to the same “I am pretty sure there’s a
shadow of a line, but I might just be imagining things” place that I was when I
first got a hint of positive on 10 dpiui.
It doesn’t help that it’s raining today, so there’s very little natural
light, which is usually the only light I can see the damned lines in anyway.
Dr. Google is again evil.
Pictures of other people’s progression to 12 dpo shows a more obvious
line. Sure, there’s people out there who
swear their children are the result of squinters up until 14 dpo and later, but
I find myself wondering if they really knew when they ovulated, and if perhaps
they just ovulated a day or two later than they thought.
I’m double guessing everything. Did I mistake a late lingering trigger for a
BFP? Logic tells me no, as it was gone 3
days before I got a positive test, and it did get darker on 11 dpiui from 10
dpiui. Was there a line at all? I keep double guessing this, and then I go
and look at them again, and I know there’s a real line. And my husband saw it. And friends I sent it to (who know this
stuff) saw it. So it was there! So then that leaves me wondering if it’s a
chemical pregnancy or I’m just dealing with various forms of diluted pee and
very slowly increasing hCG. And since my
doctor won’t move up my beta blood test, I’m stuck wondering if my period is
going to show up on Tuesday like it’s any other month.
Patience is so totally not a virtue I ever claimed to
have. I’m dying a little bit with
waiting. I was so sure that getting that
BFP finally after so long would be some sort of finish line, the end of the
worrying and struggling. I had no idea
that waiting AFTER getting a BFP is even harder than waiting BEFORE getting a
BFP.
If you were to put a gun to my head and ask me what I
thought was going on, I’d tell you that I think this is a chemical pregnancy
and that my period will come this week.
It gives me mixed feelings, as I’d obviously love to be (and most
importantly, stay) pregnant, but the fact that I did get pregnant somehow gives
me some hope for this process working.
That someday I’ll end up with a baby at the end of all of this. I’m just not sure if that’s going to be after
this pregnancy or if it will take a bit longer.
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Written Monday April 7th:
Today is 14 dpiui.
Today (or tomorrow) is normally when I would expect my period. The pregnancy tests swear they are 99%
accurate for the day you expect your period.
Today on a First Response Early Result, I got a clear
negative test. On the Wondfo that I
dipped, also negative.
It’s over. I mean, I
guess it’s not over until my period shows up, but there’s only the most incredibly
minute of chances that this could possibly be a sticky pregnancy. It’s most likely a chemical pregnancy, where
the sperm fertilizes the egg, but it just simply fails to implant or continue
developing. It’s incredibly common, but
most people don’t test as early as a crazy infertile woman like myself. If I had just waited until 14 dpiui to test,
I would have only seen a negative and not been the wiser that I was, for a few
moments at least, pregnant at last.
My only concern now is when to stop the progesterone. It will likely artificially hold off my
period until I stop taking it. I emailed
my nurse to see if I’m allowed to stop taking it tonight. I’m supposed to wait until Thursday, but that
feels torturous and probably unnecessary.
I’m also mildly concerned about an ectopic pregnancy. I’m going to ask for a blood test to make sure
my hCG levels are back to zero before starting the next cycle.
Oh well, I always said I didn’t want to subject my child to
a December birthday. I guess now I won’t
have to. But January sounds nice,
right? Please, oh please, oh please?!
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