Inevitable

I know... I know... I shouldn't test early.  It only leads to false hope or unnecessary disappointment.  I certainly know this by now, at least the disappointment.  I'm already anticipating more disappointment.

But when I don't pee on a stick during the 2WW, it's pretty much all I can think of.  So it's easier to test and slowly lower my expectations, letting a teensy bit of hope cling as disappointment gradually sets in.  Until it's over, and I get my period, and by then I'm fully ready to move on.

So today is 9 dpiui.  I peed on a stick.  Glaring negative.  Not even an evaporation line to taunt my imagination.

According to the interwebz, the brand that I use, Wondfo, can detect as little as 5 units of hCG (most brands, even the expensive ones, only detect when it's 25 units or more).  Meaning that by 9 dpiui, slightly more than 50% of pregnant women can see a positive.

Yes, I do realize that means at least 40% of pregnant women still wouldn't get a positive test for another day or two or three, that implantation doesn't even occur in some women until 10 dpiui, but it makes that 20% chance of success that we were told we'd have from this cycle feel like it's also been halved.  So now I feel like I've got 10% chance of success, and 90% chance of failure.

I know, I know.  I'm overthinking it all.  I'm a pessimist.  I'm taking statistics and dragging them into emotional territory where they have no business being.

I'm a bit disappointed and disillusioned.  If it ends up being false disappointment and I get a late positive, I'll gladly eat my words and look like a fool.  But so far I'm batting 20/20, and I'm not talking vision.  Twenty cycles, twenty BFNs.  You get used to it after awhile, a little.  Lowering expectations seems to lessen the disappointment that seems to be inevitable.

No tears yet.  I'm sure they'll come in a few days when that lingering hope disappears.  For today, I'm just emotionally drained.  I kept busy by doing household chores and cleaning my car and helping a friend build a hanging plant shelf.  I'm not even overly sad - just resigned.  I'm not sure when, if ever, I'll feel truly hopeful again.  Despite whatever chances these medicines and procedures give us, I feel like I'll always have a bit of an expectation for that, too, to fail.