But it's also something else, something that means a great deal to me this year.
It's the first day of National Infertility Awareness Week 2014.
I remember last year reading about it, and thinking that it would never apply to me. I was about 7 months into trying to get pregnant, and filled with optimism that we would certainly be pregnant within the year mark.
Not so.
As of today, we've been off birth control over 2 years. We've been actively trying for 598 days, which is a little over 85 weeks. It's also 1 year, 7 months, and 21 days.
No pregnancies. We had the likely chemical pregnancy last cycle, so for two whole days I got to believe this might have finally happened for us. But like a good dream where I have a pregnant belly or a baby, I woke up and it was gone and I was back to the nasty reality of infertility.
I have stabbed myself (or my husband has stabbed me) in the belly with a needle 22 times (so far).
I have gone through 21 cycles of hope and disappointment.
I can't count how many times I've cried. I started crying around the end of my 8th cycle or so, and while it hasn't been consistent, I have a bad day or week around the end of each cycle ever since.
There's been probably a half dozen body-wracking sob fests. My husband and my mother and my dear friends Hannah & McKenzie have been on the receiving end of some of the worst moments of my life, when the emotional pain became physical and I felt hopeless and miserable.
I feel like I lost 2013. The entire year just went missing, somewhere between Cycle Day 1 and Ovulation and the Two Week Wait. I have wished my life by in 2 week increments, hoping for a different end than the one I've seen over and over and over each time we try.
Dozens upon dozens of friends have gotten pregnant and delivered in the meantime. A few have even gone on to conceive second children. Each Facebook pregnancy announcement or adorable baby picture is like another dash of salt in the wound.
As we started testing and treatment, I gradually started becoming more open about our struggles. At this point, I'll tell anyone. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned our infertility to a grocery store check out lady at some point. Not the nitty gritty, but just a simple statement of fact that we're having trouble conceiving or we're going through infertility treatment. With friends, I'm open about the process and the cost.
Today, as the start of National Infertility Awareness Week, I took it one step further. I came out about our struggles on Facebook.
Here is what I posted:
Today is not just Easter (Happy Easter!)... it is also the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week.
Myths I have heard:
- "You're too young to be infertile!" - infertility is defined by the medical community as failure to achieve pregnancy after one year without prevention. For a woman under 30 like myself, 1 in 10 will find herself in that position. While there are increasing challenges as you age, infertility can strike at any age.
- "Can't they just fix what's wrong?" - in about 1/4 of the cases, infertility can be attributed to female issues, in about 1/4 of the case, it can be attributed to male issues. For 1/4 of infertile couples, both male and female issues contribute. And for 1/4 of couples (like us), no determinable reason can be found after extensive testing. For most causes they can uncover, there is no sure fix. It is a game of risks and chances, all of which are expensive, time consuming, and painful (emotionally and physically).
- "So if nothing's wrong, it'll happen as soon as you relax and don't think about it!" - this is one of the most hurtful pieces of "advice". Something is wrong, but tests are limited in what they can determine as a cause. I could go on and on about what could potentially be wrong, and what our chances of success would be with each, but none of them are going to "answer" our problem.
- "Just relax, it will happen eventually!" - doctors have proven that the "spontaneous cure rate" (or the "it just happened rate") is less than 5% per month. Over the course of 2 more years, someone our age with no explained cause of infertility has only a 20-30% chance of success.
- "Just do that IVF thing, or adopt!" - there is a grieving process to not having this happen as easily as it seems to happen for just about everyone else. Each month hurts like a loss as we dare to hope it will finally happen. Financially, most insurance carriers cover little to nothing for treatment. We have to pay around $1,000 per month right now, with thankfully some coverage, for only a 20% chance of success. If this doesn't work, we will indeed move on to IVF later this year, which will cost close to $10,000 and give us only about a 50% chance of success. That's a lot of money for not very good chances. But we're willing to continue to try, because we still dream of a baby who has my husband's nose and my eyes. If we lose that dream, we will gladly move on to other ways of building our family because we desperately want to be parents, but that's another grieving process that we have yet to go through.
For anyone wondering how to speak to someone going through infertility, RESOLVE's "Infertility Etiquette" page is a great place to start. If anyone has any questions for me, as I said, I'm happy to answer them. To those who are battling this alongside me, my heart goes out to you and I am always here to talk and be a shoulder to cry on.
Feedback so far has been overwhelmingly supportive. I've had many friends "Like" and comment on my post, all to express support.
Only one has tried the whole, "I know someone who struggled and eventually got pregnant!" comment, and one other has suggested I read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" (which, while a good book for those initially struggling to make sure they've tried their best on their own, is not going to solve our infertility at this point and I'm very much aware of all of the book's suggestions - I could probably write a sequel at this point). I'm glad at least no one has suggested lifting my hips up after sex, or eating gluten free, or taking cold showers (all suggestions I've heard in the past).
While I appreciate the comments as friends genuinely trying to be supportive and helpful, what many don't realize is that it's not so helpful. For infertiles, someone else's story is anecdotal at best and not reflective of our own journey. Simply because someone else got pregnant eventually does NOT mean that I will, too. I also don't need to learn more about my cycle to get pregnant - I am seeing a doctor who is controlling every aspect of my cycle. Even if I were checking basal body temperature, during a medicated cycle it's pointless.
And speaking of infertility treatment, I had my final monitoring appointment yesterday morning. A nice plushy lining right around 10mm. I had a VERY active right ovary - there were 6 of measurable size. One dominant was just under 20 mm, the smallest was around 11 mm. Most were between 11-13mm, but one was 15mm. There were a handful of smaller follicles that weren't in play, but make me hopeful that if I do move on to IVF with its higher dose of gonadotropins, that I will likely have a very good response. On my left ovary, there was one measurable one at 16 mm, and a handful of tiny ones.
All together, we're looking at around 7 follicles that could be of big enough size by ovulation, and around 17-18 total follicles. Wowza! I'm super sore, I feel like someone tucked water balloons under my belly button and filled them up. Even lifting my legs to get into the car, I can feel the swollen portion of my lower abdomen with my thighs. It's weird and uncomfortable. Not outright painful usually, though walking around for awhile ends up rather uncomfortable. It's a similar sensation to when you have strep throat and your glands in your throat swell and ache and are sore to the touch. Except in my lower abdomen.
My E2 levels were around 190 on Thursday (two days earlier) with only one follicle over 15 mm. So I'm guessing it didn't shoot through the roof or the doctor would have cancelled the cycle for a likely over-response and higher risk of higher order multiple pregnancy. Still, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly concerned about a multiple pregnancy here. It's definitely a risk factor this cycle.
However, on the flip side, with all the failed cycles I've had so far, I feel relatively confident that we won't get every single egg. I'm just hoping for one (or two... heaven help me, I'd be happy for two at this point, though twins have never been my dream) to fertilize and stick.
Also, with so many follicles, and a plushy lining, if this cycle doesn't work, I think I'll be all the more confident that moving on to IVF is the right decision. If this doesn't work, I don't know that we have much hope with continued IUIs.
The doctor told me to do one more shot of Follistim 75 iu at 6pm last night, and trigger tonight at 10:30pm for an IUI on Tuesday at 9:30am.
I'm hopeful that it seems like there's at least 3 follicles, hopefully not many more, that are in play. We have a really good chance this cycle! This could be it!
And if not, I think I'll be okay. I'll be disappointed for sure, and I won't promise that I won't cry, but overall I'm doing really well with the current plan. A break would be nice, and I have already been verbally brainstorming with my husband about which alcoholic beverages I would want after a failed cycle (Margarita Day might replace Mothers Day for me this year, and I'd be hitting up the microbrew section of the local grocery store with enthusiasm). And after that much needed break, I have high hopes that IVF (or FETs from the fresh IVF cycle) will hold our answer and our long awaited dream.
Here's hoping that this is my list National Infertility Awareness Week without a baby (or at the least, being pregnant this time next year)! I hope the same for all of my lovely readers who are struggling with the same battle.
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