Feeling the Pain

"Ouch!"

That's my ovaries talking.  They're sore.  It feels like someone is beating up on the poor little guys.

"I'll take your mind off your ovary pain."

That's my head responding to my ovaries.  This headache is pretty distracting.

Drugs are something that teenagers and Hollywood stars do for fun.  They pay big money and risk big consequences by intentionally buying and consuming (through whatever form - pill, needle, smoke, or in a certain tweenybopper star's adorably juvenile drug habit, styrofoam cup mixed with soda).  Supposedly it's fun?  Otherwise, why do they do it?

I don't like drugs.  I don't like taking anything.  I'd rather suffer through a headache than take pain killers.  After having my wisdom teeth removed, I refused the narcotics in favor of Tylenol.  When I had shingles, I declined Vicodin in favor of Tylenol 3 (acetaminophen with a little codine) to just take the edge off my discomfort.  I went off birth control 6 full months before our wedding because I simply didn't like taking drugs - we chose to take the risk of a pregnancy before it was desired rather than take the medicine (it was a calculated risk - we were emotionally and financially ready if it happened, it just wasn't the best time for us).

I don't like drugs.  I tried to fix our problem with vitamins, which I still preferred not to use.  Neither my husband nor I took vitamins before we found out we were having trouble (well, I have taken a prenatal since when I went off birth control).

This month, I'm taking 2.5 mg of Letrozole (often sold under the brand name Femara, but I'm on the generic) from the 3rd day of my cycle every day at 8am for 5 days.  I took my 4th dose this morning, and tomorrow will be my last Letrozole pill this month.  Tomorrow night, I will take out my fancy Follistim pen and pull out one of the beautiful and expensive Follistim vials.  I will dial that pen to 33.3 ml, pinch the fat in my belly below my belly button and wipe it with an alcohol wipe (because clearly what every woman wants is to grab a big old hunk of her belly fat) and jab a needle in it, press the button down so that all the liquid gold (at $1 per ml, that stuff is VERY expensive!) gets into my subcutaneous area.  I'll likely put a warm compress against the spot for a bit, as I've heard it can help the spot keep from stinging too badly, and help the medication spread out and be absorbed (cold is apparently NOT suggested as it can prevent the medication from being absorbed properly).

So here I am, pumped full of drugs. Every day that I've taken the pill, my head has started to ache a few hours after I swallow the drug.  Each day it has gotten a little bit worse, and today is pretty bad.  It's still not awful, but it definitely hurts.  Supposedly the injects don't have side effects, besides injection site soreness, so I'm sort of looking forward to those.

But I'm also afraid to take the injections, because my other side effect has been soreness in the general area of my ovaries.  They ache, and sometimes they pinch like a bad period cramp but just on one side.  I know something is happening down there, and so I'm hopeful for 2-3 mature follicles when I go in for my monitoring appointment.  But of course, my imagination goes to over responding - I'm afraid of 4+ follicles.  This cycle, that wouldn't be a huge deal as we are doing timed intercourse which lowers our chances.  Future cycles, I'd be worried about anything over 2 follicles because I really don't want twins and am absolutely petrified of anything greater than that.

I don't like drugs.  I don't like what drugs do to my body. But I'm so hopeful the drugs will bring me what we've sought after for so long, and then it will all be worth every penny, every ache, every pain.