Despair

There's a cycle of hope and despair for probably every infertile where they have lost hope.  Where the idea of moving forward is unbearably hard, where there's no end in sight, and you just don't know how long you can go on like this.

The Prometrium could be a big part of it.  I feel at my lowest emotionally before my period every  month - part of that is because I know to expect yet another period, and the other is the progesterone surge in my system that is standard for a luteal phase of a woman's cycle.  And now I'm taking supplemental progesterone from right after ovulation, so that despair has set in early.  And I'm afraid it will stick around for the next two weeks until my period comes again.

Because I have no hope of my period NOT coming.  I know it's silly, as by all accounts, I have at least a 10% chance this month, but I just don't feel it.  We've had sex at ideal times for conception for over 18 months now - the only thing different this month is that I have two eggs instead of one.  Sure, I'm also taking progesterone, but it seems I have good enough progesterone on my own.  So in my head, it means two eggs is the same changes as two cycles - and it hasn't worked for last 18 cycles, so why would it work now, even with two eggs?

I feel like this just isn't ever going to happen for us.  I know, logically, that we've got a good chance with medication, and especially once we move on to IUIs, and even if it doesn't happen then, we've got a really good chance with IVF.  We've got a really, really good chance of a biological child, which I keep trying to remind myself.

But it doesn't feel like that.  Emotionally, I don't think I believe it will ever happen for us.  Sure, I know that we've got a really good chance with the doctor's help - probably more than a cumulative 80% if we do multiple IUIs and IVF - but we've already fallen into the 5% of couples our age who haven't gotten pregnant within 18 months of trying, what's to say we won't fall into the bottom percentile again?

This is stealing all the joy from my life.  I can't plan anything - I don't know if I will need to go for a monitoring appointment, or if I will need injections (and thus have to bring my medication, needles, and Sharps box wherever I go).  I don't know if I'll be pregnant, or if we'll need more money to pay for IVF.

We used to make do just fine - infertility didn't really impact our marriage.  I'd have my period, and then it would end and we'd have sex for fun as we wanted for a week, and then I'd tell my husband, "Target zone is Tuesday through Friday" and we'd try to hit at least every other day during that time.  And after that, we'd go back to our regularly scheduled program as we wanted for two weeks until my period came again.

We'd take baths together, we'd go wine tasting together, we'd to the bar and have a few beers together.

Now that I'm being medicated, it has taken over our life together.  This month, it's controlled everything.  CD 1-6 was my period, and I took meds from CD 3 onward.  The doctor told us to have sex on CD 7 or 8 and come back on CD 9 for an ultrasound, so we did.  And then after the ultrasound, they told me to have sex again the following day, do more drugs, and come back on CD11.  So we did.  And on CD 11, they told me to trigger that night, and have sex on CD 12 and 13, and then "as we want."  Except on CD 14, he was tuckered out from dictated sex on CD 12 & 13, understandably.  And in the evening of CD 14, I started taking Prometrium suppositories to supplement progesterone.  Which meant we couldn't have sex between when I took them at bedtime until at least morning, and even still, there's a cottage cheese like substance left from the supplement, which is gross and messy.

Last night, my husband tried to have sex in the middle of the night, and I had to push him off and remind him that I'm on the Prometrium.

So this month so far, we've had unscheduled sex exactly zero times.

We no longer go wine tasting or to the bar, because I've mostly cut out alcohol (with the rare exception of a glass of wine or a small beer, like once every other week).  And now we're looking at avoiding baths because they could impact my husband's semen quality.

Do I get nothing left of my life except the routine of an infertile?  Do I just get belly bruises and swollen ovaries from fertility drugs shot into my stomach?  Do I have to give up all the fun in my marriage?  I can't job hunt because I can't get a job that would prevent me from my unpredictable visits to the doctor over 2 hours away, and with their earliest appointment at 7am, I couldn't guarantee to be back in time for work until 10am on a regular basis.

I've tried to find alternative ways to keep busy and fill the gaps - I have "mock-tails" and tea instead of coffee and alcohol.  We watch TV shows like Dexter or House of Cards instead of going wine tasting or have some beer.  But there's no supplement for fun sex with my husband - we managed so well for so long in keeping sex fun, but it's now at the whim of my doctor.

I cry at the drop of a hat.  I feel sad and desperate and depressed.  I honestly don't know how long I can keep moving forward like this, but I don't see any alternative that I'm willing to consider at the moment.  I just have to survive.  I'm emotionally drained and raw.  I feel like an absolute failure and just about everything, and with nothing fun left in my life right now.