Living in an Infertile Body

Every twinge, every cramp, every mood swing, every headache, every bout of diarrhea or constipation.  Every time a smell makes me gag, every time my sinuses are blocked, every time I wake up to pee, every time I can't sleep, every time I feel like going to sleep early or taking a nap.

Every moment, I am wondering what my body is doing.  Whether it's related to my fertility.  Whether it's a symptom of pregnancy, or a symptom of infertility.  Whether it's a sign my body doing things normally, or whether it's a sign something is going wrong.

Every twinge.  Every day.

I live in this body, and this body has failed me.  It has not been able to do an essential bodily function - reproduction. And so every sensation, I am hyper-vigilant of what it could mean.

I will myself to let it go and not pay attention, but the very next twinge, my imagination starts running again.

I remember when it was fun and exciting.  Back when we first started trying, I remember excitedly reciting every potential symptom to my husband.  I remember we walked into a spice store a few days before my period was due, and I gagged and had to leave.  We were both so excited at the idea that it could have been an early symptom.

Now I know that early pregnancy symptoms are usually nothing more than progesterone symptoms.  If you can't turn a pregnancy test positive, then there isn't enough hCG in your system to cause any symptoms.  You can have progesterone symptoms whether you're pregnant or not, but it doesn't stop a woman from hoping.

It's amazing how much I've learned about how my body works.  It's like a mini-biology crash course.  I know more now about how my cycle works, what my body's likely doing on any given day of the cycle, what is necessary to occur for fertilization and implantation to happen.  I've used that information to pay close attention to every detail to try to figure out what's going on, to see if there's some lesson that will indicate the problem or a solution.

Is that cramp endometriosis?  My uterus tipping towards the bladder can be seen on the ultrasounds - is that a sign of endometriosis?  Would my experience with HPV several years ago affect my cervix?  Scarring or pH level preventing sperm from getting through my cervix? Or is my cervical mucus the right consistency, or is it somehow hostile to my husband's sperm?

I've spent over a year now more aware of which cycle day I'm on than what day of the week it is.  It doesn't help that I haven't been working much because we've moved 4 times in the 18 months we've been trying thus far.  I am so in tuned with which day of my cycle it is, it's hard to turn off.

Sometimes I wonder what's going to happen when (I can't bear to say "if" but that's often how I think of it) I get pregnant.  How will my life change?  Will I still over-analyze every twinge in my body?  I'm sure I likely will, as it will then be motherly protective instinct over the baby I will have inside me.  Will I think of my life in terms of weeks of gestation, rather than cycles and cycle days?  Probably.

And once I have a baby, will I count life in terms of weeks and months of the child's growth?  Until I try to conceive a second child (assuming we're lucky enough to have a singleton pregnancy with our first conception... otherwise, we might be done after one pregnancy) I have feeling that my life will revolve around that long-sought after child's growth.

When I have two children, do I simultaneously count time passing with both their ages (assuming they aren't twins)?

I'm starting to wonder if I've gotten lost in this process.  Where am I inside this body of an infertile?  When do I get to have control of my life again?

I'm trying to refocus on other goals that have nothing to do with reproduction.  I'm trying to focus on writing a book I've been wanting to write for a very long time.  I had taken a job to try to help bring in some extra money, but that job did not work out (and I am not remotely disappointed as I was pretty dismal at the idea of going every day).  So now that the job is gone, I need to focus on my own health and well being.  That involves exercising and writing.  However, it seems easier to write about infertility than the novel that I've been tooling with for about a year now.  But I need to focus on tangible dreams and goals that don't involve living inside my own head, living inside my body.