The Wait Begins Again

We triggered at midnight on Sunday, which means I'll probably ovulate within an hour or two (36 hours after trigger).  We had sex last night and this morning, and will try again tonight.  We've done everything we could for the best possible shot this month, and now we just wait.

Trying to keep busy during the dreaded "two week wait" is hard.  Time passes like watching grass grow.  There's not much to do except wait, and in the meantime my brain has too much time to think.

What are our chances this month?  Better than they've been on our own, but still less than your average couple just starting to try to conceive.  That's exciting, and sobering.

There's this double edged blade of hope.  On one hand, I am so excited that I could be pregnant soon (I need to remind myself that I can't hang all my hopes on this cycle - if this cycle doesn't work, it doesn't mean the next one or the one after won't work).  On the other hand, I'm trying to remind myself that we still don't have the chances of a couple just starting out, and it can take a healthy couple up to 6 months (or more) to conceive with those chances.

And as I waffle back and forth between optimism and pessimism, I'm running myself over the blade in between.  It hurts to hope and lose, but it also hurts to feel hopeless.

I try to spend my two week wait focusing on what I can do to improve my chances, or to prepare my body for a pregnancy if this is our month.  I don't take hot baths, I eat pineapple core, I avoid alcohol and caffeine, and I get really careful with my exercise regime - just walking or hand weights or gentle yoga.

But really, even with all those things, it doesn't help the brain to slow down.  I used to have trouble falling asleep as a kid (who am I kidding, I still do) because I can't get the thoughts to slow, and my mind is racing.  I feel like it's two weeks full of that - my mind is on hyperdrive.  Am I pregnant?  Am I not pregnant?  If I am, what stage am I at now?  If I'm not, what could have gone wrong that it didn't work this month?  What will we do next month to try again?  What day would I be due if I am pregnant?  Is that twinge implantation cramping, or endometriosis?

Add into this month the medication effects - I'm going to start taking progesterone suppositories tomorrow night, which will likely make my standard progesterone symptoms during the two week wait much worse, and thus play even worse games with my head.  Also, I took the trigger shot, which will make a pregnancy test show a false positive until my body processes it out, which means if I take a test too early without knowing the trigger isn't still in my system, I could have a false positive on a pregnancy test and get my hopes up.  Which means I'm going to start peeing on sticks tomorrow to make sure the trigger is out of my body.  I will likely go through 12 pregnancy tests this cycle.

Is that sensitivity to smell because I'm pregnant, or because I took the progesterone pill?  Is that light positive on the pregnancy test still the trigger, or is it possibly an early BFP for real?

I'm excited for and dreading the next two weeks.  Either way, let's hope it goes by quickly!