Waiting

No news.  Just waiting!  It's always odd - I update my blog repeatedly while I'm medicated, but after ovulation, there isn't much to report.

A twinge!  A cramp!  Could it be, the elusive implantation cramping?

And then I look at my notes from all my previous cycles, and as I thought I remembered, I get cramping 6 dpo every cycle.

So now my brain swings the other way:  endometriosis?

I simply try not to think too much, because there's no benefit.  I just continue NOT drinking alcohol or caffeine, I continue taking my prenatal as I have for nearly two years now.  I take walks and avoid exercise. I don't wear tight pants, always elastic waistbands, out of some notion I have that restricting blood flow to the region wouldn't be good.

I wait... and wait...

Today is 7 dpiui (or in layman's terms, days past IUI).  My trigger shot seems to be gone - yesterday was a whisper of a squinter of a line.  Today back to my accustomed glaring negative. Now my goal is to hold off until Saturday, which would be 12 dpiui and would have a pretty definitive result.  Though it's possible for a negative at that point to still turn positive, it's very unlikely.

Knowing my own lack of self control, I'll probably keep on peeing on things every day or every other day from here on out.  Because I've got 50 of them in my cabinet, and because I'm horribly impatient.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good.  My anxiety and depression seems to be lessening, I got a job that I'm excited about (and is only part time, when I want to, which is perfect).  I'm more relaxed than I've been in a long time.  While I'm not feeling optimistic about this cycle, I'm not a sobbing mess at the idea of doing more cycles.  Right now, at least today, I'm doing okay with all of this.  I think I may have finally come to the "acceptance" part of the grieving process.  I certainly was stuck on "anger" for a long time.

Today, at least, I'm not angry.  I'm not anxious.  I'm just sort of zen with the whole process, and in some ways at peace with the idea that IUIs may not work for us.  I know I'm getting ahead of myself, and we do have a good chance this cycle and next, but mentally I'm not putting all my emotional eggs in the IUI basket so I won't be completely broken if it doesn't work for us.  For now, at least, I feel okay with taking this one step at a time, and okay with each step that I'm on not working and having to try again.  Today I feel strong enough to keep fighting the good fight.

Tomorrow?  Next week?  Who the heck knows... you pump a woman full of hormones and put her through an emotional equivalent of a torture chamber and you end up with a variety of emotions at any given point.  I could be climbing the walls by my bitten down finger nails by the end of the day today.  I've given up trying to predict and plan, and just letting go of the reigns on this crazy ride.