I know... I know... I shouldn't test early. It only leads to false hope or unnecessary disappointment. I certainly know this by now, at least the disappointment. I'm already anticipating more disappointment.
But when I don't pee on a stick during the 2WW, it's pretty much all I can think of. So it's easier to test and slowly lower my expectations, letting a teensy bit of hope cling as disappointment gradually sets in. Until it's over, and I get my period, and by then I'm fully ready to move on.
So today is 9 dpiui. I peed on a stick. Glaring negative. Not even an evaporation line to taunt my imagination.
According to the interwebz, the brand that I use, Wondfo, can detect as little as 5 units of hCG (most brands, even the expensive ones, only detect when it's 25 units or more). Meaning that by 9 dpiui, slightly more than 50% of pregnant women can see a positive.
Yes, I do realize that means at least 40% of pregnant women still wouldn't get a positive test for another day or two or three, that implantation doesn't even occur in some women until 10 dpiui, but it makes that 20% chance of success that we were told we'd have from this cycle feel like it's also been halved. So now I feel like I've got 10% chance of success, and 90% chance of failure.
I know, I know. I'm overthinking it all. I'm a pessimist. I'm taking statistics and dragging them into emotional territory where they have no business being.
I'm a bit disappointed and disillusioned. If it ends up being false disappointment and I get a late positive, I'll gladly eat my words and look like a fool. But so far I'm batting 20/20, and I'm not talking vision. Twenty cycles, twenty BFNs. You get used to it after awhile, a little. Lowering expectations seems to lessen the disappointment that seems to be inevitable.
No tears yet. I'm sure they'll come in a few days when that lingering hope disappears. For today, I'm just emotionally drained. I kept busy by doing household chores and cleaning my car and helping a friend build a hanging plant shelf. I'm not even overly sad - just resigned. I'm not sure when, if ever, I'll feel truly hopeful again. Despite whatever chances these medicines and procedures give us, I feel like I'll always have a bit of an expectation for that, too, to fail.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
Good Omens
I was driving home from the grocery store today when the truck in front of me spat up a rock the size of a walnut. It was one of those moments where I could see it coming and winced before I heard the sharp sound of it hitting glass.
I glanced over to confirm that it had indeed hit my windshield, right on the edge of the passenger side. It was a small ding, with a small amount of spider cracks around it. Probably about the size of an apple, all together. I grinned and fist pumped a little. YES!
Now, you've got to be thinking I've lost my mind. Who is happy about a broken windshield?!
Well, I bought my car a little over a year ago. It was used, and had originally been owned in New Hampshire. The car had a fresh coat of paint from the dealer who bought it at auction, and was in perfect mechanical condition, but the windshield was pitted from 50,000 miles of driving on the salted and rocky roads of New Hampshire. You can't tell except when the sun hits it, and creates this terrible glare. Normally people get glare from a certain angle, but because my windshield has so many different angles within so many different tiny pit marks, it's as sparkly as a diamond, glaring right into my face, pretty much anytime the car is pointed in the general direction of the sun.
We'd joked for awhile about throwing rocks at it ourselves so we'd have cause to replace it. Never seriously considered it, as I would be too afraid of said rocks hitting the body of the car and damaging it. Also, we aren't the kind of people to fake something like that. So we had been talking about paying out of pocket to replace the windshield in a few months, after we get a handle on (or hopefully past) the expenses of infertility treatment. But my husband wasn't thrilled with me driving as much as I do to get to my fertility appointments with the windshield causing visibility problems.
Now we HAVE to replace it.
So I called up my insurance carrier, who confirmed there is a zero deductible. I expected our $200 deductible would apply, which would be fine, but I guess they have special rules for windshields. YAY!
Then the representative asked me how big the crack was, and I told her. She informed me that it sounded like it would be acceptable to repair instead of replace. Some of the wind went out of my sails, as repairing a crack would not involve filling in all those microscopic pits that create such visibility issues.
She asked a few more questions, so I went outside to look at the windshield so I could answer. Sure enough, the crack had spread halfway across my windshield in the 30 minutes since it happened. HURRAY! THEY HAVE TO REPLACE IT! It's now too big to repair!
So they're coming to my house on Friday. I don't have to pay anything. I get a brand new windshield.
I'm calling it a good omen. I've been waiting over a year to replace that windshield, and now it's finally going to happen! FOR FREE! I've been trying to find a job here since we got here, with some rough bump along the way, and as of Friday, I have a great paying job that is entirely flexible to my schedule and I'm excited about! Everything's turning up roses, and hopefully that trend keeps coming!
I glanced over to confirm that it had indeed hit my windshield, right on the edge of the passenger side. It was a small ding, with a small amount of spider cracks around it. Probably about the size of an apple, all together. I grinned and fist pumped a little. YES!
Now, you've got to be thinking I've lost my mind. Who is happy about a broken windshield?!
Well, I bought my car a little over a year ago. It was used, and had originally been owned in New Hampshire. The car had a fresh coat of paint from the dealer who bought it at auction, and was in perfect mechanical condition, but the windshield was pitted from 50,000 miles of driving on the salted and rocky roads of New Hampshire. You can't tell except when the sun hits it, and creates this terrible glare. Normally people get glare from a certain angle, but because my windshield has so many different angles within so many different tiny pit marks, it's as sparkly as a diamond, glaring right into my face, pretty much anytime the car is pointed in the general direction of the sun.
We'd joked for awhile about throwing rocks at it ourselves so we'd have cause to replace it. Never seriously considered it, as I would be too afraid of said rocks hitting the body of the car and damaging it. Also, we aren't the kind of people to fake something like that. So we had been talking about paying out of pocket to replace the windshield in a few months, after we get a handle on (or hopefully past) the expenses of infertility treatment. But my husband wasn't thrilled with me driving as much as I do to get to my fertility appointments with the windshield causing visibility problems.
Now we HAVE to replace it.
So I called up my insurance carrier, who confirmed there is a zero deductible. I expected our $200 deductible would apply, which would be fine, but I guess they have special rules for windshields. YAY!
Then the representative asked me how big the crack was, and I told her. She informed me that it sounded like it would be acceptable to repair instead of replace. Some of the wind went out of my sails, as repairing a crack would not involve filling in all those microscopic pits that create such visibility issues.
She asked a few more questions, so I went outside to look at the windshield so I could answer. Sure enough, the crack had spread halfway across my windshield in the 30 minutes since it happened. HURRAY! THEY HAVE TO REPLACE IT! It's now too big to repair!
So they're coming to my house on Friday. I don't have to pay anything. I get a brand new windshield.
I'm calling it a good omen. I've been waiting over a year to replace that windshield, and now it's finally going to happen! FOR FREE! I've been trying to find a job here since we got here, with some rough bump along the way, and as of Friday, I have a great paying job that is entirely flexible to my schedule and I'm excited about! Everything's turning up roses, and hopefully that trend keeps coming!
Waiting
No news. Just waiting! It's always odd - I update my blog repeatedly while I'm medicated, but after ovulation, there isn't much to report.
A twinge! A cramp! Could it be, the elusive implantation cramping?
And then I look at my notes from all my previous cycles, and as I thought I remembered, I get cramping 6 dpo every cycle.
And then I look at my notes from all my previous cycles, and as I thought I remembered, I get cramping 6 dpo every cycle.
So now my brain swings the other way: endometriosis?
I simply try not to think too much, because there's no benefit. I just continue NOT drinking alcohol or caffeine, I continue taking my prenatal as I have for nearly two years now. I take walks and avoid exercise. I don't wear tight pants, always elastic waistbands, out of some notion I have that restricting blood flow to the region wouldn't be good.
I simply try not to think too much, because there's no benefit. I just continue NOT drinking alcohol or caffeine, I continue taking my prenatal as I have for nearly two years now. I take walks and avoid exercise. I don't wear tight pants, always elastic waistbands, out of some notion I have that restricting blood flow to the region wouldn't be good.
I wait... and wait...
Today is 7 dpiui (or in layman's terms, days past IUI). My trigger shot seems to be gone - yesterday was a whisper of a squinter of a line. Today back to my accustomed glaring negative. Now my goal is to hold off until Saturday, which would be 12 dpiui and would have a pretty definitive result. Though it's possible for a negative at that point to still turn positive, it's very unlikely.
Knowing my own lack of self control, I'll probably keep on peeing on things every day or every other day from here on out. Because I've got 50 of them in my cabinet, and because I'm horribly impatient.
Overall, I'm feeling pretty good. My anxiety and depression seems to be lessening, I got a job that I'm excited about (and is only part time, when I want to, which is perfect). I'm more relaxed than I've been in a long time. While I'm not feeling optimistic about this cycle, I'm not a sobbing mess at the idea of doing more cycles. Right now, at least today, I'm doing okay with all of this. I think I may have finally come to the "acceptance" part of the grieving process. I certainly was stuck on "anger" for a long time.
Today, at least, I'm not angry. I'm not anxious. I'm just sort of zen with the whole process, and in some ways at peace with the idea that IUIs may not work for us. I know I'm getting ahead of myself, and we do have a good chance this cycle and next, but mentally I'm not putting all my emotional eggs in the IUI basket so I won't be completely broken if it doesn't work for us. For now, at least, I feel okay with taking this one step at a time, and okay with each step that I'm on not working and having to try again. Today I feel strong enough to keep fighting the good fight.
Tomorrow? Next week? Who the heck knows... you pump a woman full of hormones and put her through an emotional equivalent of a torture chamber and you end up with a variety of emotions at any given point. I could be climbing the walls by my bitten down finger nails by the end of the day today. I've given up trying to predict and plan, and just letting go of the reigns on this crazy ride.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Infertility Awareness
A year ago, I was just starting to get frustrated and worried. Sure, it had only been 7 months of trying to get pregnant, but it had been a year since I stopped taking birth control - surely this wasn't normal?
When I heard about National Infertility Awareness Week, which takes place in April, I thought to myself, "There's no way I'll still be trying in a year."
And yet... here I am. Well, will be (probably). If I get a BFP on this cycle, I'll be a very happy girl and narrowly beat the clock before it becomes NIAW. However, I still qualify as infertile, even if I become a pregnant infertile. In some ways, I will always be an infertile.
I will never again think, "That couldn't be me!" Because it can, and it is.
I'm infertile. Or rather, we're infertile. We don't know whether it's my system or my husband's system, or some combination, that is preventing us from getting pregnant. We may never know, and honestly it doesn't matter. His semen and my reproductive organs are all part of the same system to conceive our baby, so his problem is mine and my problem is his. Thus, we are infertile together.
And I can't promise myself that we won't be in these shoes in a year. Gosh, I hope not. I hope not with all my strength. But I can't promise myself that anymore.
For now, I wait to see if this cycle worked. As an infertile whose optimism has been tarnished. I don't believe this cycle will work, though I let bits of hope creep in around the edges. But I've gotten so used to simply starting another cycle that it's just what I expect. I expect to have to do this again. I expect to take a 2 month break, and then go back to a few more IUIs. I expect those to fail, also, and have to figure out how we plan to proceed with IVF. I can't think past that, though. I can't imagine IVF working, or not working. I just can't mentally leap that hurdle yet.
I guess you could call me a pessimist. I'm really not, though. I hope so hard, but I just find myself anticipating doing this all over again. And again. And again. My period has been clockwork since before my 13th birthday - I've never missed one (well, except when I knowingly skipped it with birth control pills), my cycle has never varied by more than a few days. As soon as I went off birth control, my body resumed its normal schedule without missing a beat. I have now waited anxiously to see if my period would not show for close to two years. Without fail, it has shown up.
Part of me just expects to get periods forever. Like my body has gotten so used to having a period that even if I were to conceive, it would just carry on with my period as it has every month for years and flush the embryo right out. Now I know that's silly, but I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind.
I know I'm lucky among infertile women for having a regular cycle. I know some women struggle with finding the right balance of medication, often lots of it, to have ovulation occur at all.
But I still hate my period.
So now I wait... I'm a terribly impatient person. It's been 3 days since IUI, 4 days since trigger. I'll probably start peeing on sticks in 2 days to test out my trigger - it would still be way too early for a real positive to show up, so it's a good way to measure if the trigger is out of my body yet so I know that I can trust that if I have a positive test after that it isn't the trigger lingering in my system.
Waiting... and hoping... and doubting... and hoping...
When I heard about National Infertility Awareness Week, which takes place in April, I thought to myself, "There's no way I'll still be trying in a year."
And yet... here I am. Well, will be (probably). If I get a BFP on this cycle, I'll be a very happy girl and narrowly beat the clock before it becomes NIAW. However, I still qualify as infertile, even if I become a pregnant infertile. In some ways, I will always be an infertile.
I will never again think, "That couldn't be me!" Because it can, and it is.
I'm infertile. Or rather, we're infertile. We don't know whether it's my system or my husband's system, or some combination, that is preventing us from getting pregnant. We may never know, and honestly it doesn't matter. His semen and my reproductive organs are all part of the same system to conceive our baby, so his problem is mine and my problem is his. Thus, we are infertile together.
And I can't promise myself that we won't be in these shoes in a year. Gosh, I hope not. I hope not with all my strength. But I can't promise myself that anymore.
For now, I wait to see if this cycle worked. As an infertile whose optimism has been tarnished. I don't believe this cycle will work, though I let bits of hope creep in around the edges. But I've gotten so used to simply starting another cycle that it's just what I expect. I expect to have to do this again. I expect to take a 2 month break, and then go back to a few more IUIs. I expect those to fail, also, and have to figure out how we plan to proceed with IVF. I can't think past that, though. I can't imagine IVF working, or not working. I just can't mentally leap that hurdle yet.
I guess you could call me a pessimist. I'm really not, though. I hope so hard, but I just find myself anticipating doing this all over again. And again. And again. My period has been clockwork since before my 13th birthday - I've never missed one (well, except when I knowingly skipped it with birth control pills), my cycle has never varied by more than a few days. As soon as I went off birth control, my body resumed its normal schedule without missing a beat. I have now waited anxiously to see if my period would not show for close to two years. Without fail, it has shown up.
Part of me just expects to get periods forever. Like my body has gotten so used to having a period that even if I were to conceive, it would just carry on with my period as it has every month for years and flush the embryo right out. Now I know that's silly, but I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind.
I know I'm lucky among infertile women for having a regular cycle. I know some women struggle with finding the right balance of medication, often lots of it, to have ovulation occur at all.
But I still hate my period.
So now I wait... I'm a terribly impatient person. It's been 3 days since IUI, 4 days since trigger. I'll probably start peeing on sticks in 2 days to test out my trigger - it would still be way too early for a real positive to show up, so it's a good way to measure if the trigger is out of my body yet so I know that I can trust that if I have a positive test after that it isn't the trigger lingering in my system.
Waiting... and hoping... and doubting... and hoping...
Monday, March 24, 2014
Impatiently Waiting
And the deed is done! And by deed, I mean insemination. Because sex hasn't worked in two years off birth control, so that "deed" is pretty much useless (well, except for fun, of course).
My husband drove up this morning for "his part". And "my part" was an hour later.
The drive was a lot easier with my book on tape. It also helped that it wasn't rush hour, so the stop-and-go wasn't nearly as stressful as when I need to be there by 9am for monitoring. Plus it was nice to sleep in and get ready leisurely as I didn't have to leave until 9:30am!
I passed my husband leaving as I went in. A quick kiss as he was headed out to his car on his way back to work.
It was hard not to get anxious as I waited in the waiting room. I tried to stay relaxed, watching funny videos on my phone and trying to make myself laugh to loosen up. But anxiety crept in anyway. Every time the door opened, I jumped a little bit, thinking it was a nurse summoning me.
I also tried to stay relaxed as we prepared for the IUI, joking with the doctor and nurses about how much pollen there's been around here recently (seriously, it's like I need to shovel it off my car in the morning just to see out the windows). But my hands and toes got very cold and my face got flushed as my anxiety set in despite my best efforts.
The doctor (not my normal doctor, the other one in the practice was on duty today) tried one angle and apparently couldn't make it work, so he tried a different one. Thankfully, it didn't hurt. Once it entered the uterus, it was a slight pinch, but I'd say it was less painful than last time. And I didn't feel anything once they inserted the semen. Which of course worried me, as last time I definitely felt it after it was inserted - a warm and full feeling. Did they miss? That's silly, of course, but I've already proven I worry too much.
Overthinking everything isn't going to help my stress, though. So I'll just try to go with the positive!
On the positive side, my husband had 19 million total motile sperm count, which is definitely good! Of course, being a perfectionist, I'd love it to be higher, but I'll take it gladly. Our unmedicated IUI had only 8 million, so this is a vast improvement.
The doctor pointed out that I've got a really good chance this cycle, so I'm trying to be hopeful, though the researcher in me knows that even with a great cycle, we still have a high chance of failure.
He said, "It looks like a really great cycle!"
I replied, "Hopefully!" (Thinking, of course, that a "really great cycle" had to end with pregnancy to earn that title)
He said, "No, really. Everything looks really good. You've got 2-3 mature follicles, your lining is nice and thick, and your husband's numbers were good. You've got a really good chance! I'll be a little surprised if it doesn't work."
I wanted to roll my eyes, though it (of course) does make me a little excited to hear that from the doctor. But I really won't be surprised if it doesn't work - I've seen plenty of women on my online support group who have every reason to be optimistic and it just doesn't work out. Sometimes because there's an underlying reason they don't know yet (like egg quality) or for no reason at all (and it works on a later cycle). So while I'm excited, I'm guarded in my optimism. But really, this IUI would result in a due date on or immediately around my birthday, and I can't think of a better birthday present right now!
And as far as my lining being thick, despite my initial scan, I'm sure my doctor thinks I'm a hypochondriac for worrying about it. Oh, well!
After the IUI, I met up with two lovely ladies who live near the doctor's office and unfortunately are also battling this monster (hi, ladies!) It was really awesome to speak with people in person who "get it" and could talk about all this nonsense face-to-face. The food was delicious (I had a fabulous chilled beet & ginger soup that I am going to try to replicate) and the company was delightful. I hope this is the start of a nice little local support group! Though I would obviously prefer for the three of us to have a pregnancy support group... where we can become those people who meet up to complain about pregnancy symptoms and compare birth plans... here's hoping!
So now the waiting starts. I'm terrible at waiting! I'm seriously impatient. These two weeks will seem REALLY REALLY long. Let's hope it has a happy ending!
My husband drove up this morning for "his part". And "my part" was an hour later.
The drive was a lot easier with my book on tape. It also helped that it wasn't rush hour, so the stop-and-go wasn't nearly as stressful as when I need to be there by 9am for monitoring. Plus it was nice to sleep in and get ready leisurely as I didn't have to leave until 9:30am!
I passed my husband leaving as I went in. A quick kiss as he was headed out to his car on his way back to work.
It was hard not to get anxious as I waited in the waiting room. I tried to stay relaxed, watching funny videos on my phone and trying to make myself laugh to loosen up. But anxiety crept in anyway. Every time the door opened, I jumped a little bit, thinking it was a nurse summoning me.
I also tried to stay relaxed as we prepared for the IUI, joking with the doctor and nurses about how much pollen there's been around here recently (seriously, it's like I need to shovel it off my car in the morning just to see out the windows). But my hands and toes got very cold and my face got flushed as my anxiety set in despite my best efforts.
The doctor (not my normal doctor, the other one in the practice was on duty today) tried one angle and apparently couldn't make it work, so he tried a different one. Thankfully, it didn't hurt. Once it entered the uterus, it was a slight pinch, but I'd say it was less painful than last time. And I didn't feel anything once they inserted the semen. Which of course worried me, as last time I definitely felt it after it was inserted - a warm and full feeling. Did they miss? That's silly, of course, but I've already proven I worry too much.
Overthinking everything isn't going to help my stress, though. So I'll just try to go with the positive!
On the positive side, my husband had 19 million total motile sperm count, which is definitely good! Of course, being a perfectionist, I'd love it to be higher, but I'll take it gladly. Our unmedicated IUI had only 8 million, so this is a vast improvement.
The doctor pointed out that I've got a really good chance this cycle, so I'm trying to be hopeful, though the researcher in me knows that even with a great cycle, we still have a high chance of failure.
He said, "It looks like a really great cycle!"
I replied, "Hopefully!" (Thinking, of course, that a "really great cycle" had to end with pregnancy to earn that title)
He said, "No, really. Everything looks really good. You've got 2-3 mature follicles, your lining is nice and thick, and your husband's numbers were good. You've got a really good chance! I'll be a little surprised if it doesn't work."
I wanted to roll my eyes, though it (of course) does make me a little excited to hear that from the doctor. But I really won't be surprised if it doesn't work - I've seen plenty of women on my online support group who have every reason to be optimistic and it just doesn't work out. Sometimes because there's an underlying reason they don't know yet (like egg quality) or for no reason at all (and it works on a later cycle). So while I'm excited, I'm guarded in my optimism. But really, this IUI would result in a due date on or immediately around my birthday, and I can't think of a better birthday present right now!
And as far as my lining being thick, despite my initial scan, I'm sure my doctor thinks I'm a hypochondriac for worrying about it. Oh, well!
After the IUI, I met up with two lovely ladies who live near the doctor's office and unfortunately are also battling this monster (hi, ladies!) It was really awesome to speak with people in person who "get it" and could talk about all this nonsense face-to-face. The food was delicious (I had a fabulous chilled beet & ginger soup that I am going to try to replicate) and the company was delightful. I hope this is the start of a nice little local support group! Though I would obviously prefer for the three of us to have a pregnancy support group... where we can become those people who meet up to complain about pregnancy symptoms and compare birth plans... here's hoping!
So now the waiting starts. I'm terrible at waiting! I'm seriously impatient. These two weeks will seem REALLY REALLY long. Let's hope it has a happy ending!
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Change of Plans
Best laid plans of mice and men.... and reproductive endocrinologists....
She agreed it's best to get a move on in case my body ovulates on its own. So we just triggered and will go in tomorrow for an IUI at 11:30am!!!
I took an OPK this morning. It's positive. Usually I get a few positives that are equally dark as the control and then some VERY positive ones (SUPER dark), but I figured equally dark is technically positive so I had better call in to the nurse on call. If I'm having an LH surge now, it's likely a Tuesday afternoon IUI would be too late.
So I doubt my little 12 mm follie had time to catch up to 15 mm or so to be in the running, but likely my 19.5 mm is a comfy 21-22 mm one now! Which is just fine by me, because I'd really rather not have twins. Though you never know, the 12 mm might catch up before ovulation! And we've definitely got a good chance at success with the 19.5 mm one from yesterday, and my surprisingly cushy lining of 8.4 mm (which has probably thickened a bit, too).
She agreed it's best to get a move on in case my body ovulates on its own. So we just triggered and will go in tomorrow for an IUI at 11:30am!!!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
I'm a Believer
I guess old wives' tales sometimes have some merit! Or I freaked out way too early. My doctor's totally going to be rolling his eyes at me and thinking I'm a hypochondriac, but whatever. It's all scary and overwhelming, so I'll own my emotional breakdown on Thursday!
Today I went in for my second monitoring appointment, CD 11. My follicle on my left ovary has grown from 18 mm to 19.5 mm, the one on my left doesn't seem to have grown from 12 mm (unless that's the 9 mm one and the 12 mm one is hiding somewhere?). Anyway, now it seems we have two follicles in play - the 19. mm on the left and the 12 mm on the right. Obviously the dominant follicle is the best bet.
Oh, and drumroll please...
My lining is an 8.4 mm!!!!! The ultrasound technician was like, "Whoa, what did the doctor give you? This is a huge improvement!"
Nope, doctor didn't give me anything. I'm sure he's very happy with his decision, too, and he should be - it was the right one. I was justifiably worried, but the doctor was right - my body would thicken my lining on its own, and thankfully it ended up working out just fine.
I try not to believe too strongly in old wives' tales, preferring Western medicine (and some Eastern medicine) with solid studies behind it. But in this case, I tried everything - I did my own femoral and uterine massage, I kept warm packs on my lower abdomen, I drank pomegranate juice and green juice full of wheat grass and spirulina, I did stretching and took walks. I even made sure to orgasm a few times to increase bloodflow to the area.
Something worked! I'll choose to believe my old wives' tales helped, but at least they didn't hurt!
So I got the call from the nurse about my bloodwork on my drive home (after a very lovely coffee with a fellow patient at my clinic, and hopefully new friend!) The doctor wants me to do one more shot of 50 iu of Follistim tonight (check!) and then trigger at 4am on Monday morning (ick... that will be a painful alarm, but thankfully I don't get worked up about shots and will likely just keep it on my bedside table, roll over to stab myself, and roll right back over and go right back to sleep). My husband has to be at the clinic for 2:30pm on Tuesday, and I'll be there at 3:30pm for the IUI.
And on this crazy emotional rollercoaster, I'm now all excited and optimistic again. We've got a real chance at this!
And if this month works, it looks like I'll be due December 16th, one day after my own birthday! That would be a truly fabulous birthday present. I'm trying to keep expectations in check, though. There's a good chance that even if this is the right treatment for us that it will take a few cycles to work.
I'm doing good today. I'll just take this a day at a time!
Today I went in for my second monitoring appointment, CD 11. My follicle on my left ovary has grown from 18 mm to 19.5 mm, the one on my left doesn't seem to have grown from 12 mm (unless that's the 9 mm one and the 12 mm one is hiding somewhere?). Anyway, now it seems we have two follicles in play - the 19. mm on the left and the 12 mm on the right. Obviously the dominant follicle is the best bet.
Oh, and drumroll please...
Nope, doctor didn't give me anything. I'm sure he's very happy with his decision, too, and he should be - it was the right one. I was justifiably worried, but the doctor was right - my body would thicken my lining on its own, and thankfully it ended up working out just fine.
I try not to believe too strongly in old wives' tales, preferring Western medicine (and some Eastern medicine) with solid studies behind it. But in this case, I tried everything - I did my own femoral and uterine massage, I kept warm packs on my lower abdomen, I drank pomegranate juice and green juice full of wheat grass and spirulina, I did stretching and took walks. I even made sure to orgasm a few times to increase bloodflow to the area.
Something worked! I'll choose to believe my old wives' tales helped, but at least they didn't hurt!
So I got the call from the nurse about my bloodwork on my drive home (after a very lovely coffee with a fellow patient at my clinic, and hopefully new friend!) The doctor wants me to do one more shot of 50 iu of Follistim tonight (check!) and then trigger at 4am on Monday morning (ick... that will be a painful alarm, but thankfully I don't get worked up about shots and will likely just keep it on my bedside table, roll over to stab myself, and roll right back over and go right back to sleep). My husband has to be at the clinic for 2:30pm on Tuesday, and I'll be there at 3:30pm for the IUI.
And on this crazy emotional rollercoaster, I'm now all excited and optimistic again. We've got a real chance at this!
And if this month works, it looks like I'll be due December 16th, one day after my own birthday! That would be a truly fabulous birthday present. I'm trying to keep expectations in check, though. There's a good chance that even if this is the right treatment for us that it will take a few cycles to work.
I'm doing good today. I'll just take this a day at a time!
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